How to get a driver's license in the United States

So you want the freedom that comes with wheels! The allure of the open road! Endless cruising in a red Ferarri convertible with the wind slicking back your hair, if you have any!

Not so fast, Sparky. You need a driver's license first. (Not to mention a car.) Here's how to get licensed.

Rules for obtaining a driver's license vary from state to state. For a great roundup of information, visit DMV.org.  But in every state you'll need to do a few things before you get your license: get insured, learn how to drive, pass a written (knowledge) test, pass a road test, and pay a license fee.

Get insured

If you're just getting a driver's license as a form of ID, you don't need to buy insurance. Otherwise, it's time to get legal. Nearly every state in the Union has a compulsory driver insurance law on the books, requiring drivers to carry at least basic collision insurance in case they get into an accident. Because new drivers are much more likely to get in a fender-bender, you'll probably pay higher costs for this insurance than a more mature driver would. Yeah, I know, but at least the price you have to pay decreases over time. Take a look at DMV.org for specific information about car insurance in your state. Also, since insurance rates vary, shop around to find a good combination of reasonable rates and good coverage.

Getting insured is your responsibility as an adult -- not your parents'. Don't go beg them for coverage! Jeez, dude, show some self-respect. If you can't afford car insurance, well, best get used to riding the bus, biking places, and catching the Heel-Toe Express for the foreseeable future.  Driving while uninsured is a really, REALLY stupid idea.

Once you get insured, you must carry proof of insurance in your car at all times. Most insurance companies will send you a small card with basic information about your policy, which you can use as proof that you're insured. Don't keep it in your glove box. If yours is anything like mine, it's stuffed full of random crud, and if a police officer pulls you over, she won't be impressed by you pawing through the glove box for 15 minutes trying to find your proof of insurance card. I put mine in a protective sleeve and clip it to one of the sun visors above the windshield, along with the vehicle registration, so it's easy to find.

Learn to drive

Again, state requirements to pass this milestone vary. Some states offer a drivers' education class in public high school, others require you to pay for and attend a state-approved driving school, and still others will allow you to learn to drive from any licensed driver. Almost every state requires you to get a certain number of hours of driving practice -- some of which have to be at night -- before they will issue you a license. Go to DMV.org and look up the specific information for your state.

If you're under 21, you will usually need to get a temporary learner's permit to practice driving legally on public roads before you get a full license. Check with DMV.org for all the details.

Pass a knowledge test

The knowledge test (sometimes called a "written test") checks to see if you understand driving laws. Every state has its own driver handbook explaining the rules of the road. You need to read it and review it thoroughly. (All of it, Frank. Don't ever intend to drink and drive? Well, good, but you still have to learn about things like the legal blood alcohol intoxication limit in your state. They WILL test you on all of this stuff, even if you don't think it applies to you.)

Older knowledge tests are pen-and-paper, but almost nobody uses them any more. Far more common are computerized tests. You can't take them online, though -- you have to go to your state's motor vehicles department or another authorized testing center to take a knowledge test. Here, again, DMV.org is your friend. It provides links to local information on taking practice tests, and where and when you can take a knowledge test for full credit. You have to get a certain percentage of questions right (in most cases it's 80% or above) to pass the test, so if you're not sure about an answer and the test gives you an option to skip over it, do so.

Pass the road test

This can be the hardest part of getting your license, even if you're a good driver. Something about being in a car along with someone who has the awesome power to give or withhold your license can make you nervous enough to run red lights and mangle a parallel parking job. (Trust me; this is coming from someone who failed her road test thrice.) Here my only advice is to focus, concentrate, buckle up, and keep any music and your cell phone turned off -- distraction usually equals failure.

Pay the license fee

Yeah, it bites, but licenses are yet another thing you have to pay for. DMV.org will help you know ahead of time how much your license will cost, the payment methods your local motor vehicles department accepts, and any other paperwork they'll need from you so you can bring it along when you come in. Unless you plan on operating heavy machinery or riding a motorcycle, a basic license should be all you need (names and class categories for a basic license vary a lot, so find out what your state info says).

The Motor Voter Act allows you to register to vote at the same time you get your driver's license. If you're eligible to vote and you haven't already done so, this is a great way to kill two birds with one stone.

Be prepared to have your picture taken for the license. Most states require you to show your full face, looking straight into the camera. You may be asked to remove glasses, veils, or any other accessory that obscures your full face. Oh, and be prepared to hate this picture with a white-hot passion -- photos taken for driver's licenses and passports are notoriously ugly.

Some states will issue you a full driver's license right then and there. Others may issue you a temporary license, with your permanent one arriving in the mail a few weeks later. Either way, you're now street legal!

Looking to pick up a red Ferrari convertible? Sorry, you're on your own.

What the world owes you

Nothing.




What, did I stutter?

That's right, the rest of the world doesn't owe you a blessed thing just because you exist.

I know this statement will dismay some of you. Maybe you were raised in a household where your parental units always made sure things went smoothly for you, and you haven't had to lift a finger for yourself. Conversely, maybe you were raised in a household where you had nothing and you watched other people get whatever they wanted served up on a silver platter, and you didn't understand why they had all the opportunities you didn't. Either way, you may have developed the belief that society should now take responsibility for you and provide for all your needs.

Wrongo.

See, here's the thing: the rest of the world doesn't give two flying toots about your needs. Most other people are too busy taking care of themselves and others in their care to bother their heads about you and your notions of what you deserve. Yes, you may find a few people who are willing to extend themselves to help you in short bursts of charitable giving -- but expecting a total stranger to care for you indefinitely when you are healthy, able-bodied, of relatively sound mind, and otherwise capable of doing it for yourself, is the dictionary definition of chutzpah.

You may think -- and you'd be correct -- that you are a unique human being, different from anyone who has ever come before or will ever come again, and that this quality makes you special. But this isn't reason enough for the world to owe you anything, any more than the world owes a thing to all those other billions of special snowflakes existing alongside you. What makes your needs more important than the needs of some unique and irreplaceable peasant in China or India? (By the way, "because I'm me and they're not" doesn't cut it as an argument.)

So, if the world doesn't care about your needs, how do you make your way through it? Well, if you want to be valued and successful in this world you must discover and offer people something they want -- in other words, figure out how to do or make something useful, entertaining, or both.

Figuring out how to do this usually takes a while, and requires hands-on experience. You have to start somewhere to get this experience, and that's why there are unpaid internships and minimum-wage jobs. If you're like most people, you'll start working at one of these, and you will hate it. Such jobs are designed to do two things: 1) teach you that a strong work ethic is essential to future success and 2) strongly motivate you to get the hell out of this sucky dead-end job and into a career better suited to your specific talents.

What do I mean by a strong work ethic? I mean more than just showing up on time and getting stuff done, although if you do only these two things you'll be better off than 75% of your co-workers. I also mean maintaining a clean and well-kept appearance, regardless of the nature of your job. I mean being honest and trustworthy. I mean looking for ways to make the job easier, better and/or more productive while working within given rules. And I also mean finding reasons to be grateful for the opportunities your job provides. (Really. Even the suckiest dead-end job can teach you valuable life skills -- including how to avoid sucky dead-end jobs in future. Think of it as a school where they pay you tuition to attend.) If you can master these attitudes and behaviors, you won't be stuck working jobs you hate for very long.

Some people discover their particular talents in college. Others get them through the vagaries of life experience. Still others seem to sit around waiting for a magical talent to come along and knock them on their cans. (Hint: this rarely works.) Regardless of when it happens, the best way to discover your talents is to try various experiences. You'll never know whether you were meant to be the world's premiere yodeling bongo drummer if you've never learned how to yodel or play the bongos. If neither of these turns out to be your talent (and for the sake of everyone's ears, let's hope they're not), shrug and try something else. You're out to discover!

Assuming you keep trying, you will eventually find something for which you have a little spark of genius. (Woot.) Of course, one spark alone isn't going to carry you through life. Hone it, feed it, grow it, improve on it. Take classes, practice and experiment. (Think I was born writing snarky advice? Au contraire! I had to work at becoming this obnoxious.) As you do, be on the lookout for ways to merge your particular genius with making a living. Yes, of course you're going to exploit your talent -- why wouldn't you? Money is a representation of your life energy, so from a common-sense standpoint you might as well be making it from the thing(s) you do best.

Once you're making a living from the thing you were born to do, you will find you're a great deal happier, more satisfied with life and less anxious than you were when you were constantly tugging at the hems of an ill-fitting job. And if you do well enough that you're making more money than necessary to cover your needs and some of your wants (remember, by nature humans are little wanting machines, so you can't have everything), it's time to consider your answer to the Ultimate Boss Fight question of life: How am I going to leave this place better than I found it?

There's more than one way to answer this question. The Gateses are bringing the medical miracle of disease vaccination to the rest of the world. Paul Newman started a summer camp for seriously ill children. John D. Rockefeller founded a university. If you believe in God, you may see financial success as a kind of divine message -- as though God is reaching out His hand to you and saying, "Good for you. Now, how'd you like to help bless other people?" Andrew Carnegie called this message "the Gospel of Wealth." He believed in the importance of literacy for everyone, and chose to give away his fortune to establish thousands of American libraries.

By naming wealthy and well-known philanthropists, I'm not suggesting you must be Uncle Pennybags before you can improve the world. Priests, nuns, monks and others who have taken vows of poverty have been able to improve the world in dramatic ways, simply by contributing their time in service to others. If you have a mere $1 to spare after working out your spending plan, you can put that smidgen of cash toward something -- even if it's just a can of vegetables to take to your local food bank. And if you have as little as an hour of free time, countless charitable organizations would love to have you volunteer.

No, the world doesn't owe you a thing. But if you first learn to take care of yourself and then reach out to help care for others, the world will be forever in your debt. Not a bad fate, if you ask me.

What life is not

Life is not fair.

This concept is so crucial to your future success that you should stop reading this for a minute and just let it sink in:

LIFE
IS
NOT
FAIR.
We humans are big-time freaks of nature. For some reason we expect life to be fair. Animals sure don't. Throw a bag of breadcrumbs to a flock of ducks some time, and watch what happens. Usually one large-and-in-charge duck will shoulder her way to the front and vacuum up every crumb she can reach, leaving squat-all for the others. I have never seen -- and I never expect to see -- the other ducks quack angrily, form a protest group and start agitating for equal crumb distribution. "Fairness" is a foreign concept in the animal kingdom. So why do we expect fairness, when nothing in nature suggests that fairness is part of the natural order?

If you say, "Well, we're not animals. We don't just have to bow to the natural order and accept injustice in our lives," you're right. But wait -- there's a crucial difference between "fairness" and "justice." Justice is treating all people equally under the law. (We're not all that great shakes at justice either, since we're imperfect, but that doesn't stop us from giving it our best shot.) Fairness, on the other hand, is giving all people what they think they deserve. But if you think about it for thirty seconds, that's impossible. "Fair" is a completely subjective concept that changes from person to person (and sometimes from minute to minute); what seems completely fair to me is probably unfair to you.

Too many people waste too much of their short lives obsessing over, chasing after and bitching about fairness -- whether it's the average joe complaining that life never gives him a break, or the pampered heiress fretting over the wealth, privilege and status she enjoys, but did not earn. Look, life is inherently unfair, and there's no proven way to make it fair; in fact, all historical human attempts to make life fair have only screwed things up worse than before.

Well then, obviously I believe people should just give up and resign themselves to their fate, right?

Hell no! Have you learned nothing from this blog? Resignation is just another kind of laziness. You're here to learn and improve, to push yourself to become a little better each day, not to float aimlessly in the stagnant water of "fate." And I believe that if you're willing to work at it, you can change your fate, regardless of the hand you were dealt.

Feel free to use my life as a case study. Was it fair that my parents were compelled to raise six children on a salary that rarely rose above the poverty line? Was it fair that I was tormented by bullies all through grade school for the crime of being smart? Was it fair that my father died in an accident when I was twelve? Was it fair that I inherited the twin joys of depression and diabetes? I'd say not. But having gone through all these things, I've discovered that, fortunately, fairness is not a necessary prerequisite for happiness.

If you believe, as I do, that the primary reason for our being is to test and refine our souls, you might already have considered the idea that maybe life is unfair on purpose, as a way of motivating us to get off our slacker butts and do some good. If life were completely fair, or if we believed it were fair, we'd never do squat to improve our lives or the lives of others. But the irritant of unfairness can push people to change the world for good, to show kindness and compassion to others, and to create beauty that otherwise never would have existed.

Here's a possibly familiar story: before leaving on a trip, a rich boss went to three of his employees and lent each one some money, telling them to invest it and make more for him. But he didn't share it out equally; he gave the first employee five silver talents (that's about 335 pounds of silver -- not exactly chump change), the second two silver talents, and the third one silver talent. While the boss was away, the first two employees worked hard and doubled their money, and the boss was very pleased with their industry. But the third employee was obsessed with fairness -- he only got 67 pounds of silver to work with when the other two had so much more, his boss was mean and would probably get angry if he somehow lost the money, and it wasn't fair that his boss did nothing but lend out money and expect to get more back -- so he buried his silver in the ground and handed it back to the boss unchanged. His boss was furious. "You lazy bum! If you planned on doing nothing with what I gave you, at least you could have put it into the bank and gotten some interest off it," he fumed. Then he took the one talent away from the third employee and gave it to the first, who had already proven his ability to make the most of what he was given. The third employee was, as we put it now, "downsized."

On first glance, the moral of this story seems to be that the boss will kick you when you're down. Harsh. But read a little closer and you'll see some important details. Although not all the employees were given the same amount to work with, they all had the same job: take this money and make some more. Their boss didn't ask them to compete, and he didn't compare one employee's results with any of the others; all he expected was individual improvement. And the third employee cheesed off his boss not because he made no money, but because he made no effort; when he got called on it, his whiny excuse for slacking off was that the situation wasn't fair. But the boss knew all along that the situation wasn't fair -- after all, he set it up. All he wanted from his employee was a willingness to improve, and he didn't get even that. Of course he was ticked.

Rarely does anyone think of the employee in this story who got two silver talents. It would have been easy for him to complain about the unfairness of the situation -- after all, he didn't get as much money as the first guy, and the poor third employee had been given even less than he had; surely that wasn't fair either. But the second employee was wise enough not to compare himself to others. Instead he recognized that if he worked hard and made the most of what he had, it would be not only good for him but beneficial to all involved.

It interests me that the last of the Ten Commandments tells us not to covet other people's stuff. Covetousness is just more obsession with fairness -- "It's not fair that my neighbor has a Maserati, when all I have is a Volkswagen." But there's a specific injunction from Deity not to waste time with this kind of thinking. The alternative? Go get y'own! Stop reacting to what others have or do, and act for yourself. Create a life plan that will bring you happiness. Don't like the fact that you were born dirt-poor and raised on handfuls of hot gravel, while others bathe in champagne and feed caviar to their pets? Well, you could spend your limited life energy moulting and squawking about their decadence -- or you could use that energy to decide what you personally want out of life, map out your goal and start working toward it. Wallowing in self-loathing because you were born in the wealthiest nation per capita on the planet, with well-to-do parents and a luxury lifestyle, while millions struggle to eke out a living? You could throw screamy tantrums against people who live just like you -- or you could harness some of that frustration by deciding how you want to use your inherited wealth and privilege to improve the world. The life-changing questions you must ask yourself are not "Why is life so unfair, and how can I force it to be fair?" but "What can I do to make my life the best it can be, and how can I help others to be happy?"

No, life isn't fair. There are indications that it wasn't meant to be fair. And the sooner you understand and accept this, the sooner you can stop obsessing over trying to make life fair and get on with making it amazing. Our imperfect, unfair lives can still be happy -- not just for ourselves, but also for the people whose lives we are capable of touching for good. So if you will stop clutching obsessively at the mirage of fairness, that frees up your hands to reach out for real happiness. And wouldn't you rather have that anyway?

How to be a class act

If you live in the United States, November 11 is Veterans Day. Go out and thank a veteran for his or her service under fire. For every one you see today, there will be many, many others -- friends, comrades, family members -- the ghosts who never returned from war. You don't have to agree with the political reasoning behind each war in order to thank an individual veteran for willing and selfless service to the cause of freedom. Go buy a vet a beer or something (or, if it's my father-in-law, get him a Dr. Pepper with a squeeze of lime).

Yeah, sorry, this one isn't funny. For some reason I have a hard time being snarky about burned faces and missing limbs. I hope you feel the same way.

How to use social media wisely

Social media sites such as Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, etc. are relatively new, so few etiquette experts have published pronouncements about their use and misuse. But as you or your friends have probably already demonstrated, there are plenty of ways to put your foot in it online.

It's best to think of social media as a big, unstructured, somewhat goofy party where you can hang out with your friends. Most rules of parties apply to social media, to wit: if you want to have a good time, be friendly, be funny, listen to others, and share ideas and thoughts that interest people. If you get maudlin, haughty, dramatic, hyperactive, mean, self-righteous or sloppy drunk, people will quietly drop you and move to more interesting circles.

Here's the other thing. Unlike most parties, you're being tracked. Even on sites where you can delete comments after the fact, it's best to assume that what happens on social media stays on social media... FOREVER. So one of the first DO rules for social media is:

DOs

THINK BEFORE YOU POST. "What's on your mind?" "What's happening?" "What are you looking for?" Social media sites are programmed to tempt you to answer these questions. You might throw caution to the wind and answer any question you're asked, or vomit up any old stray thought for others to read. You also might down a bottle of Everclear and then try to drive your dad's vintage Ferrari; both are equally stupid ideas. Remember, your parents, your grandparents, your girlfriend/boyfriend, your future employer or your kids could be reading what you write (and making associated judgement calls about your sanity). So rev up your brain and take a minute to think about how your dashed-off comment could affect you and others -- not just now, but for a long time down the road.

In the same vein, KEEP YOUR PRIVATE INFORMATION PRIVATE. To paraphrase Ben Kenobi, "You don't need to see my identification." You need not provide all the information every social media site requests. Frankly, it's none of Facebook's business what your address, cell phone number, birthdate or voting preferences are. Even if the site itself doesn't use this information to market to you (yeah, right), Facebook and other sites are notorious for having accidentally released sensitive user information to the public in the past. So give them only the sparest of details to establish your identity. You aren't the droids they're looking for.

CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS WISELY. On most social media networks, you will get friend requests from complete strangers. Helpful hint: you don't have to add them as friends just because they requested it. My personal rule on Facebook: if I've never met you in person, I reserve the right not to add you as a friend. (Hey, you're probably awesome. I just want to verify that face to face.)

ASSUME YOUR PRIVACY IS ONLY AS SAFE AS YOUR LEAST CLOSE FRIEND. I've seen people post their new mailing addresses and telephone numbers in their status feeds on Facebook, with the idea of "Well, only my friends will see it." WRONGO. First off, social media sites have sometimes released private information to the public, so you can't count on the site itself safeguarding everything you write. Second, I want you to stop reading this for a second and go over to Failbook. Read some entries, laugh, then think about how easily some goofy thing you wrote for the benefit of your online friends could be reposted offsite by an angry frenemy looking for revenge, or a clueless friend who has no concerns about anyone else's privacy. Yeah. Be careful out there.

PART WAYS QUIETLY. The time will come when you must decide to unfriend, unfollow, or otherwise dissociate yourself from someone in social media. Do it quietly, without comment. Chances are most people won't even know you've gone, especially if they have gobs of friends (after about 50 it gets hard to keep track of everyone). If the person you've unfriended notices your absence and wants to know why you've gone, explain privately and simply. Try for honesty without bluntness: "I'm trying to get away from online politics" is more well-put than "If I see one more post from you about Candidate X, I'm loading up and heading for the clock tower."

DON'Ts

This is a bigger list, for reasons that may become obvious. DO NOT do any of the following on social media:

SHARE TOO MUCH. This isn't just an issue with social media; we have gone from being a nation of reserved and laconic individuals to a country of people pressing TMI on everyone they encounter.  The occasional recipe posting or "Standing in line for the midnight showing of RHPS -- can't wait!" is fine in small doses, but you needn't (and shouldn't) describe in detail the travel adventures of every foodstuff to brave your alimentary canal, relate and rate your latest sexual escapades, or explain where and how many times you pooped in the last 48 hours. I don't care if you're the freaking President of the United States -- nobody wants to know if you woke up constipated this morning.

SHARE TOO FREQUENTLY. This is a tough line to draw -- some people use social media sites more frequently than others, and some social media sites such as Twitter encourage more frequent use -- but using the TLAR method (you know, "That Looks About Right"), I'd say if you post more than 10 status updates in a 24-hour period, you need to lay off the caffeine for a while. Same deal if you have to comment on every status update you read (yes, as an unrepentant snarker I've been guilty of this behavior). Spamming your friends' message feeds with reposts, shares and comments is more annoying than endearing, so take it easy.

SWEAR LIKE A SAILOR. I don't know how much more bluntly I can put this: using foul language doesn't make you sound like an adult. It does make you sound boorish, stupid, infantile and thoughtless, so if that's the impression you're going for, don't let me stop you. But if your status updates are so peppered with F-bombs that your friends and followers practically glow in the dark, you are going to lose some of them. Just FYI.

POST CRYPTIC CRAP. You know the kind of updates I mean, the one-liners with no attendant explanation: "I knew this day would come." "Can't believe that just happened." These aren't so much tantalizingly mysterious as they are signs you're being a high-maintenance dweeb. Look, if you work for the CIA, you can get away with murmuring encoded phrases to shady contacts from a park bench somewhere. But make yourself understood online.

MAKE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ANGSTY COMMENTS. "If I don't get at least 10 replies to this post I'm deleting my account." Bye! There's also this common trope: "Filled with despair and ennui. Cannot elaborate." Fishing for sympathy much? If you really don't want to explain why your life sucks today, don't bring it up on social media in the first place. Instead, call your most trusted friend, your pastor or your shrink and talk it out in private, the way such conversations are supposed to be handled.

MAKE IT TOO EASY FOR STALKERS AND BURGLARS. "Here's where I'm posting from!" So load up and come find me. "I'm having fun on vacation!" Then your house is empty.

STAGE YOUR ROMANTIC BREAKUPS. I can't possibly emphasize this too much. If you're initiating the breakup, do it in person, or if you're too chicken for that, in a live telephone conversation. After the initial emotional storm passes, you may let people know you are single via social media. You don't need to explain why. If people really want to know all the gory details, they will ask; you may or may not choose to inform them privately of the circumstances surrounding the breakup. But do not make it into an ugly, public mess -- that's not what social media is for, and it will almost certainly come back to haunt you.

ASSUME SILENCE IMPLIES CONSENT. Unless you have an extremely insular group of family and friends, not all of them are going to agree with every religious/political/artistic/ideological item you choose to share. Likewise, not everyone relishes a chance for intense public debate over these subjects, especially if the debate quickly degenerates into childish squabbling and name-calling. Please be careful which groups you choose to publicly label as stupid, evil, sub-human, or otherwise hateful -- you may be pinning such epithets on beloved family members and dear friends all unawares, and they may never reveal the hurt and damage you've caused.

TAKE ONE ONLINE COMMENT TOO SERIOUSLY. Despite my sage advice, many people just blurt out whatever they think on social media without putting it through the Stupid Filter first. Sooner or later, someone is going to say something that cheeses you off. Give that person the benefit of the doubt; it may pass quickly with no harm done. But if he or she continues to act like a jerk online, quietly silence or remove that person -- you don't have to put up with crap forever.

FORGET ABOUT REAL LIFE. I'm not the only person to have noticed that social media has, for some people, become a substitute for engaging with the real world. One of the saddest things I see on social media is a teen or young adult wailing in a status update: "I'm so bored! Someone message me!" LISTEN: You are young only for a short time. You have few responsibilities now, much more free time than you'll have later in life, and the world is full of potential adventures. Don't spend this part of your life waiting around for someone to entertain you. Go out and find the amazing. Then, if you have the time, you can talk about your adventures online later.

This post is a work in progress. As I pinpoint more dos and don'ts of social media, I'll add to this entry; to that end, I'd appreciate your thoughtful comments on the subject.

How to register to vote in the United States

There's an old political saying in the USA: "If you don't vote, you can't complain." But most states won't just let you walk into a polling place and cast your vote on Election Day -- you must register to vote first. A surprising number -- about half -- of American citizens who are eligible don't vote, because they don't know how to register or they're just too lazy to bother. I imagine this would cheese off the millions of people in countries ruled by despots and dictators, who would jump at the chance to vote if little things like jail or beheading didn't stand in their way. Voting is both a right and a privilege, so make sure you exercise it.

Ready? Here's how to register.

You will need:

1. to be at least 18 years old on or before Election Day.
2. to be a citizen of the United States of America, either by birth or naturalization.
3. to be a legal resident of the state in which you live (you may only cast a vote once per election and only for a single residence, so if you share time between houses, pick only one of them as your "voting residence." It's illegal to vote multiple times, so don't do it).
4. to be free of any other legal complications that would disqualify you from voting (for instance, if you're a convicted felon spending quality time in jail or under a court order that forbids you from voting, you can't vote).
5. Some form of positive identification; examples may include your driver's license, state-issued ID and/or Social Security card with number.
6. Internet access, or a working telephone and a local phone book.

Specific rules about registering to vote vary from state to state, and even between different cities in the same state. To get the most accurate information about what to do for your area, find your home state on this map or the list below it, and click on it. If you're stuck with no Internet access (how the heck are you reading this?), find a local phone book and check the government listings for the local election office (if you don't see anything with the word "elections," look for something like "clerk," "registrar" or "auditor"). Call them and they'll give you information about how to register to vote.

Registration deadlines also vary by state. In most states, you must register to vote at least 30 days before the election, though some places have much shorter registration periods. Even if you've missed the deadline to participate in this election, just register anyway; that way you'll be ready for the next one.

You'll probably have several options to register. You can get a mail-in form, fill it out and send it in, or you can get forms and assistance at places like libraries, city and county government offices, DMV offices, even unemployment offices. Once the election office has verified your information, it will send you a voter registration card which you should keep in a safe place. This card will have your voter ID number, your voting precinct and districts, and usually the address of your local polling place (where you'll go on Election Day to cast your vote). In some places, everyone votes by mail-in ballot, so there's no polling address on the registration cards. If you don't get your registration card after a few weeks, call the election office and make sure they got your information; sometimes forms get lost in the mail.

So, now you've got your card, you're registered, and you can vote for ANYONE, right? Wrong. You can only cast your vote for specific offices, depending on where you live. For instance, every registered voter in the United States can cast a vote for President and Vice President, but only Californians can vote in the California gubernatorial race, only Idahoans can vote for Idaho senators, and only Seattle residents can vote in the Seattle mayoral race. This only makes sense, though -- would you really want people from another part of the country to be able to decide who your mayor should be?

If you move, you'll need to re-register under your new address, and will probably get a new voter registration card.

Once you're registered, here's one of two possibilities about how it goes on Election Day:

1. You grab your registration card and go to your local polling place. Once there, a volunteer for your precinct will ask you to sign your name (indicating that you've voted) and will give you a ballot and send you to a private booth, or direct you to a voting machine. You will get to vote for all national races and all public races in your precinct, as well as any propositions or initiatives on the ballot. Choose wisely. (You can make your decisions ahead of time and bring in a sheet of paper to help you remember your choices.)
2. Some time before Election Day, you'll get a mail-in ballot and a voters' pamphlet in the mail. You can vote at any time between the day you get the ballot and Election Day itself, and either mail it back or drop it in a local ballot box. (If you choose to mail back your ballot, make sure you give the USPS enough time to get it to your local elections office before Election Day, or it won't be counted.)

All that's left is to sit back, cross your fingers and watch as the precinct reports roll in. Remember, even if your chosen candidate doesn't get elected or the issues you voted for don't pass, you participated and your voice was heard.

Now you've earned the right to kvetch about the bum in office! Well done.