How to write a résumé

Today you're going to create a document that will help get you a job. It doesn't matter whether you call it a résumé or a curriculum vitae (honestly, one's just a little longer than the other). In either case, you're writing the history of your work experience -- your education, your previous jobs and what they taught you, other kinds of experience that have improved your job skills, and the names and addresses of people who can back up your story.

Some general rules:

When it comes to experience, think outside the box. Yes, education and job experience make a difference, but so do activities that don't fall into either category. Did you learn how to explain difficult concepts more than one way, develop critical skills in handling difficult people, and learn the value of patience when you volunteer-tutored kids at a local school? Then it needs to go on your résumé. Did your Scout leader teach you the basics of cooking and kitchen hygiene? You'd better mention that if you're applying for restaurant work. Picked up CPR certification at summer camp? Parents looking for a qualified nanny might appreciate that little tidbit.

Tailor the résumé to the specific job. Back in the dark ages, when people had to type out each and every résumé by hand, it made sense to write one general-purpose document and make copies of it for different companies. These days, though, word processing software makes it simple to keep your résumé fluid and tailor the details to each job for which you apply. Taking the time to do this could land you an interview, so do eet.

DON'T LIE. Some people, concerned about their lack of impressive experience, try to make themselves look better by padding their résumés with less-than-accurate information about their previous jobs. But if your prospective employer discovers your job history is more fantasy than reality, what's the first thing she's learned about you? That you're a facile liar who thinks your potential boss is either too lazy or too stupid to fact-check your résumé? That's not going to win you many brownie points -- and it's sure not going to get you any kind of job requiring a high level of personal integrity. DO NOT MAKE UP STUFF ABOUT YOUR PREVIOUS JOBS. The end.

Here's the information that must be present:

• Contact information: your name, address, phone number and email, preferably at the top of the résumé. If you don't already have a specific email for work-related purposes, get one (you can pick it up for free through Gmail or another free email service). Don't underestimate the value of a professional-looking email address; potential employers might have second thoughts about hiring you when they see your address is i_smell_like_an_old_burrito@example.com.
• Educational info: this includes any school you're currently attending, your estimated graduation date, any schools you've attended in the past (especially if you graduated), any certification or training programs you've passed, etc. You don't need to include your cumulative GPA, unless it's stunningly positive and your work experience is a little thin.
• Work experience: Start with your most recent job title, the company you worked for and the approximate dates you worked there, the job description and the pertinent skills you learned, and work your way through your job history in reverse chronological order. Be prepared to explain any significant gaps between jobs.
• Other experience: This section is especially helpful to prove that you have marketable skills if, again, your work experience is lacking or has some gaps. Here you should include things like volunteer work, charitable projects, any hobbies and interests that are relevant to the job, or time spent studying abroad (especially if you became fluent in another language or culture while doing so).
• References: if you list references on your résumé, make sure they are from people who know you professionally and can vouch for your character and work ethic as an employee. Contact them in advance and get their permission to use them as references, and make sure you've listed their most recent contact information (a phone number or email address are probably sufficient). If you want to add a relative or close friend of the family to your references, please limit it to a single person (because nothing says "slacker" like using Mom or Dad as a reference). And this may seem obvious, but it's still worth stating: if you aren't sure someone will give you a positive reference, don't use that person! Better to have no reference at all than a bad one.

There are a number of ways to format your résumé; try Googling "how to format a résumé" if you want some ideas. Personally, I'm in favor of substance over style. Using a single easy-to-read font throughout the document is better than tossing in a half-dozen novelty fonts that make you look like you got hold of way too much caffeine. Simple left-justified text is better than centering everything or inexplicably pulling it to the right margin. And if you want to separate the sections of your résumé, do it with the judicious use of bold and italic text, or create section headers by bumping up the font size a point or two. Also, print on simple high-quality white paper; don't mess around with funky colors or textures. You want the finished document to be simple enough that you could send it as a text-only email without taking 45 minutes to reformat it. Let your experience speak for itself.

Now, go forth and kick some butt (in a competent and professional manner, of course)!

Frugality vs. cheapskatery

What does it mean to be frugal? What does it mean to be a cheapskate? Are the meanings of these two words roughly synonymous, or are they vastly different? (And why am I asking myself rhetorical questions again?)

After a little while pondering the ponderous, I think I've come to a fairly concise (well, as concise as I ever get) definition of the two:

Frugality is being careful with your own money.
Cheapskatery is being wasteful with other people's money.

Let's break this down a little further.

When you are frugal, you take the time to be mindful of the way you use the money that comes into your life. It doesn't mean you never spend money; rather, it means you consider what's important to you, and put most of your money toward those important things. Frugality is a vital part of responsible adult behavior, and teaching people how to be frugal is part of the purpose of this blog. You can take pride in becoming frugal.

You should take no pride, however, in being called a cheapskate. Though cheapskatery may look similar to frugality on the surface, it is markedly different under the skin. When you seek to be frugal, you're trying to make the most of your money so that your spending comes in line with your personal values. Cheapskates, on the other hand, try to save their money at any and all costs. Often they seek to save their own money by forcing other people to spend theirs instead -- for instance, they may have enough money to buy lunch, but try to get other people to buy it for them so they can save their own cash. BIG HINT, KIDS: this is scummy behavior.

And you'd better not justify your scummy behavior in front of me by saying, "Well, I'm poor and other people can afford it more," or some such rich bull feces, or I'll kick your cheap little butt. Because even if you save enough on other people's backs to become rich, you'll have developed a lifelong habit of mooching off other people to get there, and believe me, you'll go right on being a scummy cheapskate even when you have millions in the bank. Do you really want to become a modern-day Hetty Green? (No, no you don't.)

OK, maybe you're still not entirely clear on the concept. Let me provide you with a few Tales of the Cheap and Scummy, and some alternative frugal options.

CHEAPO: One of my dad's college roommates, a notorious cheapskate, wanted to take his girlfriend out on a date. Since my dad had a nice car, Mr. Cheapskate approached him to ask if he could borrow the car for a date night. Dad agreed; his only requirement was that his roommate pay for the gasoline he used. Well, Mr. Cheapskate took his date to a night on the town 45 miles away, and when he returned the car, which was running on fumes, he handed my dad 25 cents as his gas contribution. (Granted, this was at a time when gas cost approximately 40 cents per gallon, but cars also burned a lot more gas than they do now.)

FRUGAL: Figure out the social calculus of this exchange for half a second. You're much more likely to deal with your (annoyed) roomie every day than you are with the girl you're trying to impress for one night, so it makes the most logical sense to stay on good terms with your roommate. If you have enough money to take your girl on a nice date, you have enough money to fill the tank of the car you borrowed. And you should fill the tank, even if the tank wasn't full to start with. It's a way of expressing your thanks for your roommate's thoughtfulness and generosity at loaning you the car at all. If you don't have enough money for both the night out and the gasoline, maybe you should consider a less expensive date, or one you can go on closer to home. Or you should put the date on hold until you have a little more money. Learning to say "no" to things you can't afford or don't want is one of the first skills of frugal living.

CHEAPO: I know of a woman who loves going out to eat. She used to approach all her friends with an idea for lunch or dinner: "Let's get Mexican!" "Let's go get sushi!" "Who wants Indian?" They'd agree and go off to eat together, but when the bill arrived, the woman who suggested the outing in the first place would say sadly, "Oh, but I don't have enough money to cover this." Her friends would cover her share, first empathetically, then begrudgingly. Soon some of them learned not to accept her constant, thinly-veiled invitations to pay for her meals.

FRUGAL: If you can't pay for your own meal, don't instigate a mass lunch or dinner date in the first place. Really want to go out with friends? Then suggest a place you can afford. If you don't want to be stuck paying for someone else's meal, request separate checks before you even sit down. And if you end up going to a restaurant where you look over the prices and determine that you can't pay for the meal, it's perfectly acceptable to bow out. If you get into a situation where someone insists on paying for your meal, then you pay for that person's meal on another occasion. (Don't just promise to pay. DO IT.)

CHEAPO: My grandfather, who was in the ski troops during World War II, had a heavy military ski coat -- one of a very few things he'd kept from his war experiences. A relative asked to borrow that coat in order to go on a skiing trip with his brother, and my grandfather agreed to lend it to him. Months went by, and the coat did not return. Finally my grandfather asked about it. "Well," said the cheapskate relative, "it's not like you can use it any more. I gave it to my brother. He could really use a nice heavy skiing coat like that."

FRUGAL: YOU DO NOT GIVE AWAY OTHER PEOPLE'S POSSESSIONS. EVER. EVER!! I can't possibly emphasize this enough. It doesn't matter if they can't use them any more (my grandfather had lost a leg in the war, which made it difficult for him to ski); it's not up to you to make that decision because IT'S NOT YOURS TO GIVE AWAY. If you borrow possessions from people (books, movies, music, small appliances, tools, anything), take good care of them, keep track of them and return them promptly. Do not give them away, do not loan them out to other people, and FOR THE LUVVA PETE don't force people to come to you to get their stuff back, you cheap jerk.

CHEAPO: A relative of mine called to ask if his in-laws could stay with my mother for one night while they dropped off a son at school. She, assuming it would be the son and his two parents, agreed. But on the evening of the agreed-upon day, a family of eight arrived on my mother's doorstep and proceeded to take over the entire ground floor, including the kitchen. The next morning, the father of the family decided to change his plans (I guess staying in a home for free seemed better than camping to him), and announced to my mother that they would be extending their stay a little longer. "Longer" turned out to be a full eight days. During this time there was no way for my mother or sister to make meals, and the family did not invite their hosts to eat with them. When these cheap locusts finally decamped (to their credit, at least they had the common decency to clean up after themselves), they left my mother with a housewarming gift that cost approximately 75 cents. The relative who had originally called in the favor, who had no idea what his in-laws were doing, was mortified at their behavior.

FRUGAL: Sharing one's home is one of the most generous things anyone can do. If someone is hospitable enough to put you up in his or her home, stay only the agreed-upon time and no longer. You don't have the right to renegotiate terms once you're within the walls. You don't have the right to take over and monopolize household resources such as the kitchen. You don't have the right to invite additional people to stay with you. And at bare minimum, send your host a thank-you note after your stay. Again, if you can't afford to pay for an extended stay for the whole family and they don't need to be there, maybe you should leave some of them at home. And yes, if you plan on staying that long with that many people, camping is a much more frugal choice.

I think I've made my point: it's perfectly acceptable to be frugal, but the whole world hates a cheapskate. Don't be that guy. Be careful with your money, but don't save your resources by forcing other people to spend theirs, or you deserve to have your cheap butt kicked from here to China.

How to shop for groceries

I'll bet you think you already know how to shop for groceries.

Hmm.

OK, picture this: you enter the grocery store just after a long day at work or school, dying of hunger, and immediately have to cut your way through the starving barbarian hordes of workers and students who are doing exactly the same thing. Your impulsive monkey brain prompts you to grab lots of ready-to-eat food from the deli and bakery sections of the store. Then you run up and down the aisles, cavalierly tossing anything that looks good into your cart. Dead-ending in the produce section, you throw in some guilt-purchased bagged lettuce and a few other fruits and veggies that you have every intention of making into... something, eventually. You wait 20 minutes in line to pay an insane price for this cart fulla goodness, as all your frozen foods defrost. On the way home, since by now you're so hungry you're in danger of gnawing off your own arm for sustenance, you pick up some fast food for dinner. Three weeks later you have to hose out your fridge's crisper bin because it's full of rotting goop that was once the vegetables you bought.

This scenario happens to everyone once in a while, but if it describes most of your shopping trips? Yeeeeeaaaaah, you don't really know what you're doing. It's time you got schooled!

You will need:

1. The most recent advertising circular from your grocery store of choice.
2. Some time to figure out a plan of attack.
3. Grocery money from your spending plan.
4. A cookbook or a set of recipes you want to try.
5. A piece of paper and a pen or pencil.
6. A calculator (optional).
7. Transportation to and from the grocery store.

Here's whatcha do.

Strategic planning

Strategic grocery shoppers can successfully manage three factors: how much money they have to spend, what's on sale, and what they want to cook.

Figure out first how much cash you have to work with; pull the amount from your spending plan and keep it in front of you as you work out your grocery list.

Now browse the ad circular. It will list all the items on sale this week. If you see a sale item you know you'll need (toilet paper, soap, toothpaste, etc.), write it down. It's also a good idea to write down the brand name and advertised price so you remember what's on sale when you're at the store. If the circular has any printed coupons for things you use, cut them out and take them with you. (Don't be too proud to use coupons! They'll save you money, and the store expects people to use them.)

Finally, look over the recipes you want to try. See any ingredients from the recipes that are on sale this week? It's a little like playing that old memory game where you try to find two matching images on the cards. Focus heavily on the recipes with items that are on sale, and write down what you'll need to make each recipe. Your grocery list is taking shape. As you go, make a rough estimate of the running total (you may need to use a calculator), so that you don't end up spending more money than you have.

Hungry? Eat a small, high-protein snack (examples: lunchmeat, fried egg, beef jerky, cheese stick, peanut butter) before you go shopping. Protein satisfies your hunger without making you feel stuffed, and when you go grocery shopping you want to aim for a happy medium -- not too hungry, not too full. (If you are too full, everything food-related will look nauseating, especially under those soul-sucking fluorescent lights. Wait an hour or two before you go shopping.)

Now gather up your money, grocery list and coupons and, to paraphrase a line from Predator, "Get to da shop-pah!"

In the store

If you can swing it, shop at a time of day when the store isn't packed fulla customers. I know circumstances don't always make this possible, but when the store is less hectic, you'll feel a lot less stressed and you'll make better choices. (Since I'm a night owl by nature and my local grocery is open 24 hours, I've become the master of the Epic Late-Night Grocery Run. Late-night shopping means there's food in the house first thing in the morning, and it also makes redeeming a whole stack of coupons less vexing to others, since I rarely have to worry about anyone waiting behind me in line.)

Plan a path through the grocery store. Start in the produce section, move to the canned foods, pantry and nonperishable items, non-foods (things like soap and TP), then baked goods, eggs and dairy, meat and seafood, and finish with the frozen items. If you buy the perishable and frozen items last, just before you hit checkout, they'll be in much better shape by the time you get home.

Don't just merrily fling stuff into your cart; pay attention to what you're buying. Check expiration dates on dairy products and canned goods, open and inspect cartons of eggs to make sure none are cracked or smashed, make sure produce isn't bruised or moldy, check the labels to find out what you're eating, and don't grab the first shopworn container off the shelf. You may as well get the most value for your money.

Buy head lettuce rather than bagged lettuce. It doesn't take that much extra time to prepare, and head lettuce is usually cheaper and lasts a lot longer than the stuff in the bag. And if you never buy anything but iceberg lettuce, try branching out a little and picking up some red leaf, Romaine, butter lettuce, arugula or spinach, depending on what's on sale.

Pick up fruits and vegetables when they're in season, and plan your recipes around them. They'll be cheaper and taste better. If you have no notion of what's in season, do a web search for "in-season produce" for your area -- or just let your nose be your guide; really fresh fruit tends to smell wonderful. And don't be scared of whole fruits and vegetables. They don't take much time to clean and prepare, and they cost less if you do the prep work yourself.

If something you need isn't on sale, look for a store brand. Many large grocery chains offer house-brand items that are as good as or better than the nationally-advertised brands, and they're almost always less expensive. Sometimes they're even less expensive than the advertised sale item. (If you're not sure you'll like the store brand, get the smallest available size of the item and sample it at home; if you hate it, most stores will let you return the unused portion for a refund.)

Check the Used Food Section for bargains. (No, I don't know of any stores that actually call their markdown areas "Used Food," but I'd love it if someone did.)  Meat, dairy and produce are usually marked down because they're close to expiring, so if you find a good deal here be prepared to use or freeze it ASAP. Marked-down bakery items are usually in danger of going stale (meh), but shouldn't actually be moldy (ew). Marked-down cans are usually dented; examine them very carefully to be sure there are no leaks, swelling or other signs that the contents have turned evil. Botulism poisoning is never a bargain.

Don't buy anything on display in the checkout line. Seriously. Pure impulse buys. STAY STRONG, LITTLE SHOPPER.

Don't forget your coupons -- and don't let your checker forget them. (I usually say, "By the way, I have some coupons" as the checker starts scanning my items, and I put them up on the check-writing platform so they're clearly visible. Then the checker scans my coupons and I smile delightedly as my grocery total starts to shrink.)

At home

Once you bring the bags in, put the frozen stuff away first, then the perishables, then the canned goods and pantry items, and finally the non-foods.

Plan out your meals so that the most perishable food gets used up first. If you bought fresh fish, you should eat it by the next day. Eat fresh poultry within 48 hours. Ground meat goes bad faster than steaks, chops and roasts. And have a specific purpose in mind for your fruits and vegetables. Cook and eat them promptly so they don't have time to evolve into a new lifeform and crawl out of the fridge on their own. Yeeze.

Grocery Fu: for advanced shoppers only

Mastered all of the above, and ready to level up? OK, here we go.

Buy staple pantry items and non-perishable items in bulk whenever they go on sale. To do this effectively, you need a good feel for what items are "staple pantry items" around your place. Staples are the long-storing foods you use most often to cook or bake, and they vary from household to household depending on your cooking style and dietary needs. (Your kitchen canisters may be labeled Flour, Sugar, Coffee and Tea, but you probably won't use them for those items if you're a celiac, a diabetic and a Mormon, right?) If you don't know what your staple items are, look over the recipes you cook most often. Seeing certain familiar ingredients again and again? Behold your staples!

If you have a freezer, you can stock up on some perishable items that freeze well. Roasts and chops freeze well if they're wrapped properly. So does butter (let it defrost in the fridge before using it). Milk? Ehh, notsamuch. If you plan to do a lot of freezing, check out this list of foods that freeze well (and some foods that don't).

Shop around. Many grocery stores have frequent buyer programs where they'll give you discounts on groceries and/or gasoline if you shop there more often, but it's easy to fall into the rut of buying all your food in the same place... don't do that! Remember, it's OK to cheat on your grocery store! Check to see what the competition is doing every now and then, and see what they're offering that your usual grocery store doesn't. This goes double for specialty stores like Trader Joe's or your friendly neighborhood spice emporium. They won't have the wide range of products your local supermarket has, but they do offer amazing stuff at (usually) low prices. And don't forget your local farmers' markets, where you can find super-fresh local produce and the kind of unusual fruits and veggies that most big commercial farms don't bother to grow.

Peg Bracken, of The I Hate To Cook Book fame, used to suggest bringing a small cookbook to the grocery store; then if you come across a snazzy unadvertised sale on something, you can look it up in the book's index, find a good recipe for it, and save yourself another trip by picking up the needed recipe ingredients. Of course, Ms. Bracken wrote this in the early 1960s, when Al Gore was still busy inventing the Internet. Why lug around a cookbook if you already have a smartphone? The power of the Net in the palm of your hand!

Have any additional advice to share about honing your grocery shopping skills? Drop me a line!

Why 90 percent of self-help is useless

Wow. There's a title with some chutzpah. Here I am, writing what is essentially a self-help blog about becoming a real adult, and I've just asserted that most self-help doesn't do any good. Where do I get off saying that? And what, if anything, makes this blog different?

Let's take those questions one at a time, shall we?

I'm hardly the first person to notice -- nor will I be the last -- that self-help has become a huge and very lucrative industry. Considering the vast quantities of self-help books, movies, blogs (ehem), magazines, seminars, etc. at our disposal, every living person on earth ought to be an expert at everything by now. Yet people continue to buy books, attend seminars and pick up self-hypnosis kits with one goal in mind: shedding their personal insecurities and becoming better than they are today. It's almost as though some people are addicted to the idea of self-improvement.

The question is, after shooting up their self-help fix, do these people actually see any improvement in themselves?

David Wong of Cracked.com has written a clever (if somewhat profane) article that cuts to the heart of this problem: How 'The Karate Kid' Ruined The Modern World. Way too many of us think of skills to be mastered as though they were a 30-second training montage from an action film. In real life, the effort you must expend to master a skill is measured in months or years -- but in entertainment it's always edited down to a quick montage because, hey, watching people practice stuff is boring. Yet the brevity of these montages subtly encourages us to think we can become experts in less time than it takes to talk about it -- and later, we curl up and wail like infants when we find out that gaining expertise in a discipline requires a much bigger investment of time and effort.

We tend to read self-help books with the unconscious belief that reading is all that's required for us to enjoy the promised success, rather than actually getting off our duffs and doing what the books say to do. Worse, many of the people who write self-help materials deliberately exploit this widespread belief that success is effortless. (Think about titles like The 4-Hour Workweek, Think and Grow Rich, and 59 Seconds: Think A Little, Change A Lot. They all point to the idea that personal change is easy and fast.) Even the media hop on board, perpetuating myths such as the "overnight success" of a suddenly-popular artist or band (ignoring the years of toiling in obscurity that an artist or band endured before making it big) or the idea that "natural talents" like Mozart emerged from the womb ready to write The Marriage of Figaro (hint: he didn't).

Here's a simple rule of thumb regarding success. If someone is making wheelbarrow-loads of cash doing something, you can pretty much count on one or both of these being true:

1. It required a combination of significant time, effort and talent to get there.
2. Something illegal is going on.

If Academy Award-level acting were easy, everyone would have an Oscar gathering dust on the mantelpiece. If it were trivially simple to learn speed skating or ice dancing, you'd see Winter Olympics medals being donated to Goodwill. And if everyone had what it took to become a neurosurgeon, brain surgeries would be a whole lot cheaper. Since you don't see these things, it's safe to assume that certain very lucrative activities require a certain base level of talent combined with a whopping crapload of effort, consistently applied over a very long time.

OK, so you get it. It's not enough to know your stuff. Reading self-help books doesn't make you successful, any more than smelling shampoo will give you clean hair.  The point is, no amount of reading is going to do you any good unless you actually get up and DO. IT.

So why is this blog different from other self-help?

Well, for one thing, because I'm telling you outright: The stuff I'm teaching you isn't always easy, and it isn't always fast.  It also requires more than just passive reading -- it requires consistent activity.  In other words, don't just read this blog for pleasure, GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUTT AND DO THIS STUFF.

When I write an entry on this blog -- say, an article on the basics of personal hygiene -- here's the behavior I expect from you, the reader:

1. Read carefully. Smile at the snark, if it pleases you (and I hope it does).
2. Review the points of the article to make sure you remember what you read.
3. ACTUALLY TAKE A FREAKING BATH.

That's it. In this case, it's literally lather, rinse, repeat until you've mastered the art of bathing.

Look, I don't expect you to master all this stuff next week. Becoming an adult does take time and work. But I do expect you to pick an article, read it, and PRACTICE THE STEPS until the skill becomes second nature to you. It may be hard at first, but it does get easier with practice -- so although I'm not going to tell you it's easy, I can definitely tell you that it's worth the effort.

Otherwise, if you don't bother to do anything with the information you learn here, this blog becomes part of the useless 90 percent of self-help materials, rather than the 10 percent that actually helps people effect change for the better.

But remember this: only your efforts determine which materials make up that useful 10 percent for you.

Act wisely, won't you?

When and how to tip

Before diving right in, let's cover the basics: what is a tip, and why do we bother to tip in the first place?

Service tips (as separate from, say, "stock tips" or "cow tipping") are small sums of money given to thank people for serving you. In the United States and most other Western countries it is customary to tip restaurant servers, cabdrivers, bartenders, hotel bellboys, pizza delivery guys, and anyone else who works in similar service industries. The standard rule of thumb for tipping is 15% of the overall bill, before any discounts are applied. (This is easier math than you think. Say your bill is $29.50. Scoot the decimal point one place to the left to get 10% -- that's $2.95. Divide that amount in half to get 5%, about $1.48.  Add the two together and you end up with 15%, or $4.43.)

Why do we tip at all? It's hard to say. Tipping is a very old social custom in the West, dating back at least to ancient Rome. In the old days, it was a kind of noblesse oblige -- superiors sharing a smidgen of their bounty with their social inferiors -- but in an egalitarian society it's become a way of showing people that you notice and appreciate their efforts. Tipping is also a sign of good manners.

There are practical reasons to tip, which you already know if you've ever been a waiter. In some service industries -- particularly in restaurants and bars -- the owners deliberately pay the waitstaff close to slave wages, expecting them to make more than half their money from tips. This is supposed to encourage waitstaff to be friendly and attentive to customers, which in turn reflects well on the establishment. Welllll, SOMEtimes it works that way. Far too often, however, a hard-working waitress hustles her tail off for a big group of customers who finish their meal and leave her bupkis for her efforts. That's just not right. (Worse, I've heard horror stories of douchebags who return to the table after a meal to steal the cash tips left by other diners in their party. Hello, douchebag! My knee is delighted to meet your groin.)

Cash tips are accepted just about everywhere, but many services now allow you to pay (and add tips) with a debit or credit card instead, which is handy if, for instance, you're leaving New York City and you have no cash left on hand to tip the cabbie who just zoomed you to JFK in record time. (GO NEW YORK CABBIES!)

General rules

• Tip at the end of service. Since tipping is a reward for good service, you usually tip at the end of the service rendered (as you leave the restaurant, the cab, the bar, etc.).
• Tip discreetly. Don't flash around a massive wad of cash or make a big song and dance number out of the process; it makes you look like a complete goober. (Not to mention that if a thief is watching, he'll know exactly whose pocket to pick later.)
• If you're leaving a tip of more than $1, don't tip in change. It just looks cheap. If you need to, you can usually exchange coins for bills with the cashier.
• Be thoughtful of service people. They have tough jobs, often get yelled at, and many are on their feet all day long; it's a relief to come across someone who demonstrates a little patience.
• In the name of all that's holy, don't be a snob. Displaying genuine kindness and making sure the people around you are as comfortable as possible is the truest sign of good manners.

Restaurant, bar, and delivery service

As mentioned, 15% of the total bill is the most common tip for waiters, bartenders and pizza delivery people, though you can give more if the service was fantastic or if you're just feeling rich and whimsical. Although some people suggest leaving 10% for bad service, I don't recommend it; if your waiter was spectacularly rude or awful, don't tip at all. Instead, ask to speak to the manager and discreetly explain what happened. (That's right, TATTLE.)

If you tend to go to dinner with a huge mob of people, examine the bill before you leave a tip; some restaurants add a gratuity to the bill if there are six or more people in your group. Also, if you hate trying to figure out who pays for what at the end of a meal, ask the waiter for separate checks when you are first seated. Worried someone in your group might be a tip-stealing douchebag? Don't tip in cash. Pay for the meal with a debit or credit card and add the tip to the check at the end of the meal. (Make sure you write down the tip and total on your own receipt, so you don't forget later.)

You don't have to leave a tip if you're picking up take-out food. You also don't have to tip fast-food servers or baristas (though the baristas will sure try to convince you otherwise).

Holding and moving your stuff

Bellboys, porters, skycaps and other people who help you move your luggage around should receive $1 per bag ($2 if you're carrying lead soldiers or skiing paraphernalia), though some suggest a minimum of $5 for the service. Tip in cash, since most porters don't shlep a card reader around with them.

Professional movers and furniture delivery people do some back-breaking work -- especially if you own a grand piano and are moving into a fifth-floor walkup. Each person who helps you move should receive between $15 and $25. Most movers also appreciate clients who offer cold drinks and/or pizza at the end of the job (because, hey, nom).

Coat checkers should receive $2 when you get your coat back. I've never used valet parking in my life, but if you do, the standard tip is $5.

Generally you shouldn't tip grocery store baggers, unless they work for tips. (As a teenager, my husband bagged groceries for tips on an American military base, and consequently developed some unusually powerful forearm muscles. Now he is Popeye the Sailor Man!)

Grooming and hygiene

Hair cutters, manicurists, masseurs/masseuses, estheticians, spa attendants, and anybody else who makes ya look purty should receive about 15% of the total bill as a tip -- more if they've done amazing work. Shoe shiners should receive a $3 to $5 tip.

High-end restaurants and shopping centers sometimes hire restroom attendants. (Honestly, I wish they wouldn't, because a) I can wash my own hands just fine, thanks, b) I'd prefer some privacy, c) it feels like yet another attempt to squeeze cash from customers and d) I almost never have a tip handy since I'm more likely to encounter a unicorn than see a restroom attendant. But that's just me.) $1 in bills or change is an acceptable tip for such service, if you feel inclined.

You shouldn't tip sales clerks at cosmetics stores, as pushing beauty products is part of their job.

Gift tips

You can, if you choose, give a gift tip to people with whom you regularly do business. (Boxing Day, the day after Christmas, is a holiday set aside to do just this.) If you want to gift tip, the standard amount is approximately a week's salary. If it seems appropriate, you can offer a box of good chocolates (no, NOT the wax-covered crap you find in drugstores) or a bottle of quality wine as a gift tip instead.

What if you have no money?

Sometimes you know you should leave a tip, but you're out of cash and can't use a card. If this happens, get the service person's name and the address of his/her business (try asking for a business card), and mail that person a tip later. Think about it -- if you had this person's job, wouldn't you want someone to make the effort for you?

This is just a rough guide to get you started with tipping; it should cover most circumstances you're likely to encounter as a young adult. If you travel overseas or start living large, though, you're on your own. (I can't be expected to do all the legwork for you. Take some incentive and look it up!)

What life is not

Life is not fair.

This concept is so crucial to your future success that you should stop reading this for a minute and just let it sink in:

LIFE
IS
NOT
FAIR.
We humans are big-time freaks of nature. For some reason we expect life to be fair. Animals sure don't. Throw a bag of breadcrumbs to a flock of ducks some time, and watch what happens. Usually one large-and-in-charge duck will shoulder her way to the front and vacuum up every crumb she can reach, leaving squat-all for the others. I have never seen -- and I never expect to see -- the other ducks quack angrily, form a protest group and start agitating for equal crumb distribution. "Fairness" is a foreign concept in the animal kingdom. So why do we expect fairness, when nothing in nature suggests that fairness is part of the natural order?

If you say, "Well, we're not animals. We don't just have to bow to the natural order and accept injustice in our lives," you're right. But wait -- there's a crucial difference between "fairness" and "justice." Justice is treating all people equally under the law. (We're not all that great shakes at justice either, since we're imperfect, but that doesn't stop us from giving it our best shot.) Fairness, on the other hand, is giving all people what they think they deserve. But if you think about it for thirty seconds, that's impossible. "Fair" is a completely subjective concept that changes from person to person (and sometimes from minute to minute); what seems completely fair to me is probably unfair to you.

Too many people waste too much of their short lives obsessing over, chasing after and bitching about fairness -- whether it's the average joe complaining that life never gives him a break, or the pampered heiress fretting over the wealth, privilege and status she enjoys, but did not earn. Look, life is inherently unfair, and there's no proven way to make it fair; in fact, all historical human attempts to make life fair have only screwed things up worse than before.

Well then, obviously I believe people should just give up and resign themselves to their fate, right?

Hell no! Have you learned nothing from this blog? Resignation is just another kind of laziness. You're here to learn and improve, to push yourself to become a little better each day, not to float aimlessly in the stagnant water of "fate." And I believe that if you're willing to work at it, you can change your fate, regardless of the hand you were dealt.

Feel free to use my life as a case study. Was it fair that my parents were compelled to raise six children on a salary that rarely rose above the poverty line? Was it fair that I was tormented by bullies all through grade school for the crime of being smart? Was it fair that my father died in an accident when I was twelve? Was it fair that I inherited the twin joys of depression and diabetes? I'd say not. But having gone through all these things, I've discovered that, fortunately, fairness is not a necessary prerequisite for happiness.

If you believe, as I do, that the primary reason for our being is to test and refine our souls, you might already have considered the idea that maybe life is unfair on purpose, as a way of motivating us to get off our slacker butts and do some good. If life were completely fair, or if we believed it were fair, we'd never do squat to improve our lives or the lives of others. But the irritant of unfairness can push people to change the world for good, to show kindness and compassion to others, and to create beauty that otherwise never would have existed.

Here's a possibly familiar story: before leaving on a trip, a rich boss went to three of his employees and lent each one some money, telling them to invest it and make more for him. But he didn't share it out equally; he gave the first employee five silver talents (that's about 335 pounds of silver -- not exactly chump change), the second two silver talents, and the third one silver talent. While the boss was away, the first two employees worked hard and doubled their money, and the boss was very pleased with their industry. But the third employee was obsessed with fairness -- he only got 67 pounds of silver to work with when the other two had so much more, his boss was mean and would probably get angry if he somehow lost the money, and it wasn't fair that his boss did nothing but lend out money and expect to get more back -- so he buried his silver in the ground and handed it back to the boss unchanged. His boss was furious. "You lazy bum! If you planned on doing nothing with what I gave you, at least you could have put it into the bank and gotten some interest off it," he fumed. Then he took the one talent away from the third employee and gave it to the first, who had already proven his ability to make the most of what he was given. The third employee was, as we put it now, "downsized."

On first glance, the moral of this story seems to be that the boss will kick you when you're down. Harsh. But read a little closer and you'll see some important details. Although not all the employees were given the same amount to work with, they all had the same job: take this money and make some more. Their boss didn't ask them to compete, and he didn't compare one employee's results with any of the others; all he expected was individual improvement. And the third employee cheesed off his boss not because he made no money, but because he made no effort; when he got called on it, his whiny excuse for slacking off was that the situation wasn't fair. But the boss knew all along that the situation wasn't fair -- after all, he set it up. All he wanted from his employee was a willingness to improve, and he didn't get even that. Of course he was ticked.

Rarely does anyone think of the employee in this story who got two silver talents. It would have been easy for him to complain about the unfairness of the situation -- after all, he didn't get as much money as the first guy, and the poor third employee had been given even less than he had; surely that wasn't fair either. But the second employee was wise enough not to compare himself to others. Instead he recognized that if he worked hard and made the most of what he had, it would be not only good for him but beneficial to all involved.

It interests me that the last of the Ten Commandments tells us not to covet other people's stuff. Covetousness is just more obsession with fairness -- "It's not fair that my neighbor has a Maserati, when all I have is a Volkswagen." But there's a specific injunction from Deity not to waste time with this kind of thinking. The alternative? Go get y'own! Stop reacting to what others have or do, and act for yourself. Create a life plan that will bring you happiness. Don't like the fact that you were born dirt-poor and raised on handfuls of hot gravel, while others bathe in champagne and feed caviar to their pets? Well, you could spend your limited life energy moulting and squawking about their decadence -- or you could use that energy to decide what you personally want out of life, map out your goal and start working toward it. Wallowing in self-loathing because you were born in the wealthiest nation per capita on the planet, with well-to-do parents and a luxury lifestyle, while millions struggle to eke out a living? You could throw screamy tantrums against people who live just like you -- or you could harness some of that frustration by deciding how you want to use your inherited wealth and privilege to improve the world. The life-changing questions you must ask yourself are not "Why is life so unfair, and how can I force it to be fair?" but "What can I do to make my life the best it can be, and how can I help others to be happy?"

No, life isn't fair. There are indications that it wasn't meant to be fair. And the sooner you understand and accept this, the sooner you can stop obsessing over trying to make life fair and get on with making it amazing. Our imperfect, unfair lives can still be happy -- not just for ourselves, but also for the people whose lives we are capable of touching for good. So if you will stop clutching obsessively at the mirage of fairness, that frees up your hands to reach out for real happiness. And wouldn't you rather have that anyway?

How to get out (or stay out) of debt

Want the TL;DR version of this tutorial? OK, here it is:

Don't buy things you can't afford.

That's it. Sounds simple, right?

Unfortunately, for a lot of people it isn't quite that simple. Maybe you're one of them and you've already gotten yourself in hock up to the eyeballs. Consider this a rope to pull you out of the debt quicksand. I can throw it to you, but you've got to grab hold and pull yourself out.

Look your debt straight in the eye, and you're on the road to killing it dead.

When you're deep in debt and can't see a way out, it's tempting to just stop answering the door and the phone and ignore everything you get in the mail. But that's the way a small child responds to fear -- covering her eyes and waiting for the scary thing to go away. Grown-ups face their fears, and in so doing, vanquish them. So the first thing you're going to do is take a clear-eyed look at your debt.

Pull out all your debt indicators -- that is, your latest credit card bill(s), your latest car payments, your student loan payment coupons, your latest mortgage bill, and anything else you're currently paying on time. Look at the current balance for each item. Add them up. This is your base debt, the amount you would pay if your fairy godmother rained magical gold ducats on you and you could pay off all your debts RIGHT NOW. Needless to say, that's not going to happen, so figure on paying additional interest on each loan as well.

If you're currently looking at a number that's making your wisdom teeth fall out in shock, don't beat yourself up about it. It's almost criminally easy to get into debt. Let's look at some exit strategies.

Don't get a debt consolidation loan.

You might think debt consolidation will make it easy to pay down your debts. WRONG. More often than not, a debt consolidation loan just digs you in worse. Why? Because once you have the money wiped off your credit cards and stuck into one big loan, you may start thinking about those lovely, convenient, useful little credit cards with nooooo charges on them -- and put yourself into deeper debt than you were before. DUMB! You don't need a debt consolidation loan -- just take care of it yourself.

Get help from your debtors.

It sounds totally counterintuitive, especially if you've been getting threatening phone calls and letters, but if you contact the people to whom you owe money and tell them you need help, at least some of them will be reasonable. And it's in their best interest to do so -- after all, getting their money back slowly is better than getting no money at all, which is what happens when people file for bankruptcy.

Call your credit card company. Identify yourself and explain that you're having trouble paying down your debt, and ask for a lower interest rate to help you achieve your goal. (You'll still have to pay back what you owe them, but the interest rate you'll have to pay on the amount will be lower.) Emphasize that you do not want to default on payments, and that you have a plan in place to get out of debt. This tactic will probably work best with credit card companies, but other debtors may also be willing to cut you some slack, so call and ask. If the representative says no, try calling and asking another day or at another time, or ask to talk to a supervisor. Your annoying persistence should eventually pay off.

Focus.

If you're like most people, a big part of the reason you're currently in debt was that you bought things on credit and then forgot to set aside the money to pay for them later. So the first thing you're going to do now is make your debt obligations a critical part of your spending plan. In fact, after paying for your rent and utilities, it's going to be your first priority. Yes, that means ahead of your groceries.

This is going to require some focus. You will have to make some temporary sacrifices. But sacrifice means giving up something you want now to get something you want more. In this case the thing you want more is to get out from under crushing debt, so your life (not to mention your money) feels like your own again. You should also keep in mind that word "temporary." No one expects you to live like this for good -- just until your debt is paid off. So cowboy up, pardner!

Stop using your credit card(s).

This tactic seems boneheadedly obvious, but it can be surprisingly difficult to do -- especially if you've gotten used to buying lots of things on credit. And if you're really deep in debt, you may be using your credit card to buy groceries because you don't have enough cash. (Been there.) Still, this is the first step to being free of debt -- stop using it. You can cut up your credit card (this won't magically make your remaining debt go away, but it will keep you from charging anything else) or remove it from your wallet and put it where you can't get hold of it easily, but in any case, STOP.

This may be the hardest part of getting out of debt for you. You may have to tell your friends, "Sorry, not tonight. I've got debts." You may have to avoid going places and doing things that you know will tempt you to spend more than you can afford. It will probably make you feel like crap for a while. So go do some free or cheap things that make you happy -- if you're addicted to charging things on your card, you will need to fill the empty spaces where your crazy shopping sprees used to be, anyway. If you don't know of any free local attractions, get Googling. Go to the public library. Play on the swings in a local park. Visit a local museum. Take a long soak in a bubble bath. Write goofy letters to a friend. Finish some of your unfinished projects. Read all the back articles of Remedial Adulthood. But DO NOT go window shopping. You may think you have the fortitude to browse and not buy. Know what? You're wrong or you wouldn't be here. Next topic.

Raise, sell, cut.

"But I don't have enough money!" I hear you cry. That's what you think, Mac. Money is hiding in unusual places in your life, and you're going to root it out and use it. Much like Sporkcrist, the Legendary Spork of Justice, Raise, Sell, Cut is the three-pronged implement you're going to use to attack and defeat your problem.

You can raise extra money by working extra hours at your job or taking on another job. (Flipping burgers for the masses is noble work as long as it helps get you out of debt, so don't even try to suggest to me that working at McD's is beneath you!) And if any windfall money comes your way, you don't even have to think about how you'll spend it -- that sucker's going right to your debt.

You can sell things you own and use the profits to pay down your debt. This could be just about anything from your old CDs (you probably have them all digitized anyway) to those collectible salt and pepper shakers your Aunt Enid gave you (why?) to your car. No matter what it is, somebody on eBay probably wants to buy it. (No takers on eBay? Yard sale!) If you're fortunate enough to have stock options from your job, liquidate them for cash. In fact, the only thing I recommend that you not liquidate is retirement funds, if you have any. They may be tempting, but you should leave them alone. Learn from my fail.

Finally, you can cut all the fat out of your life. Turn off your cable service, disconnect your cell phone, shutter your Netflix account, get rid of your gym membership, look for a place to live with lower rent, take the bus to work, stop buying lottery tickets (really, people?), buy minimal groceries, get cheap haircuts, nix the fancy coffee drinks, stop eating out at restaurants, turn off lights and unplug things you're not actively using, and hold off buying new clothes for a while. Get rid of anything you spend money on that you do not ABSOLUTELY NEED. (Despite my husband's claims to the contrary, MMORPGs are not an ABSOLUTE NEED.)

Remember, TEMPORARY. FOCUS. You can get these things back later, when you're in better shape to afford them.

Pay it off, snowball style.

There are two major schools of thought about paying down debt. One says you should pay off the smallest debt first and work your way up to the big debts; one says you should pay off the debt with the biggest penalty first (e.g., if you owe $500 to the Mafia and $200 to Visa, you should pay off the $500 first to avoid having your legs broken. The last time I checked, Visa didn't employ thugs, so they're marginally safer). Either method works, and you should choose the one that appeals most to you.

Here's how you do it. Choose the debt you want to pay down first. Find out what the minimum payments are for all your debts, and make those minimum payments for each one -- except the debt you're focusing on. That one gets whomped with as much money as you can possibly squeeze out of your resources. If your bank gives you the option (and most banks do), you can do this through online bill paying and actually pay the debt down more often than once a month when the bill comes due. This should wipe out that particular debt even faster, which is exactly what you want.

The minute you've cleared out one debt, it should free up some of your money. Continue to keep your living expenses as lean as possible and whomp as much money as you can at the second debt -- again, always maintaining minimum payments on all your other debt sources. Repeat this process with each debt (whomp, whomp) until you've wiped them all out.

This debt-reduction strategy is sometimes called the snowball method, because as you continue to pay off your debts your ability to do so gains momentum (and money), the way a snowball grows as it rolls downhill. It will take some real time and real effort -- this isn't a 60-second training montage from a feel-good movie. You might actually have to live on ramen and peas for a while, or learn how to cook basic meals instead of haunting the Taco Bell drive-thru, but as you start killing your debts, it will give you a tremendous feeling of accomplishment and greater confidence in your ability to slay the debt monster. And probably less indigestion to boot.

Stay out.

Once your debts are paid off, you can slowly start adding grace notes back to your life again, with the added benefit of being able to pay for them with your own money. You may decide not to add everything back, depending on how much you really missed it while it was out of your life.

The best way to stay out of debt is, as mentioned above, not to buy things you can't afford. So what if you don't have a brand-new everything -- is shiny stuff really what makes you happy? Focus on the things you truly enjoy and spend your money on them, not on status symbols you don't really want or need.

If your crazy spending habits put you into debt in the first place, you need to figure out what compels you to spend more than you make. Do you need purpose in your life? Could you fill that need by helping other people, volunteering with your church or club, or otherwise taking up a cause for good in the world? What can you do with your free time that doesn't involve shopping?

Leave your credit card at home for a while after you're debt-free. Try paying cash (or debit card) for everything you buy. If you really want something you can't quite afford, do without it for a while and save up your money until you have enough to buy it. (Hey, this method worked for generations before credit cards came along.) If you decide just to buy it with a credit card so you can have it NOW NOW NOW, you'll end up paying multiple times what the item was worth in interest payments, which is DUMB DUMB DUMB. If you do have the willpower to keep a credit card, try using it like a debit card -- pay it off completely every month, so you don't get charged interest. Oh, and for heaven's sake, shop around for a credit card with no annual fee and a low interest rate!

And there you have it, kiddywinkies! I speak from personal experience, having gotten out from under massive credit card debt in 2008. The only debt we've carried since was for a new car, which we paid off early to avoid extra interest charges.

If I can do it, so can you. So go out there and spork your debt!

How to give and receive gifts

It's getting to be that festive time of year when people start thinking about holiday gifts, so it's time we had The Talk. Here it is:

Gifts are usually meant to be reciprocated. In simpler terms, if someone gives you a gift, you should get that person a gift too.

True, gift-giving is not supposed to be a strictly tit-for-tat experience -- but you also have to consider human nature. If you receive (and expect) presents from others for years, but you never offer others a thing in return, you are subtly telling people you don't really want to participate, or they may assume you are just a worthless ingrate; either way, they'll stop giving you presents. So: if you like getting gifts, consider giving them as well. It's a sign that you're thoughtful of others, a mark of adulthood.

But I always pick rotten gifts!

So you don't have a natural knack for gift-giving. Fortunately it's a skill that can be learned, and you will improve with time and practice. You're not going to get that practice in if you never try, right?

In the meantime, get a shopping buddy. Find a friend who gives great gifts, grovel shamelessly for help, and take him or her shopping with you. (Buy this person a hot chocolate or something afterward as a gesture of thanks.) Barring that, there are several online services designed to help bad gift-givers make good choices. Dive into one of these if you're completely stymied.

Some things to take into consideration when looking for a good gift:

1. It should be something the recipient actually wants, but might not splurge on.
2. It should be something you're not ashamed to give.
3. It should reflect the recipient's tastes and interests.
4. Unless the recipient specifies otherwise, it shouldn't be highly practical.
5. It doesn't have to be expensive.
6. If you're getting something for the person who has everything, offer an experience.

Still in doubt? You could always just ask. Your gift recipient may have some good suggestions or a public wish list somewhere. Even if you don't end up buying an item from the list, it should give you a good idea of the person's likes and interests.

If you can't think of a blessed thing, here are a few standby gifts: movie tickets, gift cards (to a place where the recipient actually shops), bouquets or live plants, homemade bread or cookies, a bottle of good wine or sparkling cider, good coffee or hot cocoa, homemade jam or preserves, a box of quality chocolate (the stuff they sell at the drugstore doesn't cut it), a bestselling book or a good-smelling scented candle. Take into account any allergies, sensitivities or dietary restrictions when making your decision (don't give wine to a teetotaler, for instance).

But I'm broke!

As I write this, the economy is sour and times are tight. Many people are out of work; if you're fortunate enough to have a job, you may be barely scraping by. How are you supposed to get presents for anybody when you have little or no money? There are several options.

First, offer experiences or services. When I didn't have much money and my nieces and nephews were young, I would present them with fancified written scrolls that entitled them to a full day of fun with their auntie at the venue of their choice. We'd agree on the date and the recipient would pick the place, and we'd go have some one-on-one time. This gift worked well for kids, but probably wouldn't cut it for adults. Another sibling used to create personal coupons good for various services: mowing the lawn, cleaning windows, foot rubs, etc. (NOTE: IF YOU OFFER THESE SERVICES, BE PREPARED TO MAKE GOOD ON THEM. Offering someone a coupon for a car wash and then refusing to wash the car is an empty gesture and, frankly, kinda stupid on your part; you might as well not bother. Offering an experience means you're spending time on a person, rather than money.)

Second, make something. Be careful about this route, because it can be potentially disastrous. Take the time to think before you start a major project, and consider the good gift rules again. Remember, it needs to be something you're proud to give as a gift, not some inexplicable whatsit cobbled together from pipe cleaners and duct tape. And it needs to be something the recipient wants as a gift. If you spend hours knitting a pair of mittens for someone who thinks hand-knitted items are cheap and tacky, both of you will end up angry and disappointed. Hint: if you're a good baker, homemade baked goods like cookies and quick breads are often very well received.

Third, shop secondhand stores. If you have a little money, a lot of time and a good eye (or just a great shopping buddy), you can find truly gift-worthy items in secondhand venues. Classic hardback books in great condition are especially likely secondhand gifts. The rules for gift-giving still apply here, with an additional caveat: the item you choose should not look (or smell) secondhand.

Fourth, trade. Barter some object or skill you have for something else you'd like to give as a gift. Give yourself plenty of time to do this; bartering isn't as fast as paying cash and it requires more patience and effort.

If all else fails, you can do what my sister did in grad school: declare temporary gift bankruptcy. Let people know ahead of time that you can't afford to buy gifts this year, and that you don't expect them to give you a gift either. It's honest, properly sets up their expectations and lets them know that you are thinking about them, even if you can't afford anything. Remember, though, gift bankruptcy is temporary; you can't go on doing it forever and expect people to be gracious about it.

But I don't wanna!

At its core, gift-giving is purely optional. That means it's also completely optional for the people who currently give you gifts. They're not required to keep at it if you don't show any interest in participating.

Personally, I think the custom of giving and receiving gifts is fun and helps strengthen relationships between people. It's a particularly thoughtful way of saying, "I like you and I'm thinking about you."

How to wrap a gift

Nearly everyone agrees that wrapping makes the gift. (An unwrapped gift is just an object that's been handed to you.) There are many ways to wrap a gift, from the simple to the complex. Wrapping is partially determined by the shape of the gift itself (although you can always make it simpler by putting an oddly-shaped gift into a rectangular box and then wrapping that).

Don't know how to wrap a present? YouTube to the rescue!

Here's the basic way to wrap a square or rectangular gift with wrapping paper and tape. (If you don't have any wrapping paper, get creative. Try using color comics, foreign-language newspapers, kraft paper, butcher paper and twine, wallpaper samples, old maps, even sheet music.)

If you have a large square of fabric or a decorative scarf, you can wrap a present furoshiki style. (You don't need to understand Japanese to be able to follow along; just watch what she does.) Furoshiki wrapping is especially useful for oddly-shaped gifts.

Of course, you can go completely nuts with gift wrapping, but it doesn't have to be complex unless you want it to be.

How to receive a gift graciously

Not everyone knows the proper way to receive a gift. I've flubbed it on more than one occasion. (Once I opened a gift from a family member and said the first thing that crossed my mind, which happened to be something rude. My family member felt justifiably hurt at my insensitive comment, and I felt like a complete jerk. Which I was. Yeah, don't be me if you can help it.)

1. If the person who gave the gift is present, thank him or her immediately, before you even open the gift. Gift-giving is a thoughtful act in itself and deserves recognition.
2. If there's a card with the gift, open it first and read it. If someone took the time to get a card, the least you can do is give it the once-over. And it helps cement in your mind who the gift-giver is. (It also makes sense to check and make sure the present is meant for you, especially at a mass gift-giving event such as Christmas.)
3. Open the gift carefully. It could be fragile.
4. Regardless of what the gift is or how well you like it, it's proper to thank the giver. If he or she isn't present, write a thank-you note expressing your gratitude. If, like me, you have a hard time remembering who gave you what, get a pencil and piece of paper and write it down as soon as possible so you can write appropriate thanks later.

And now you know. Armed with your new knowledge, go forth and seek out amazing gifties for all and sundry.

When and how to pay your bills

If you've been planning your spending, you're already halfway to getting your bills paid on time and in full.  The other half is actually getting the payments out the door.  Fortunately, most companies make this process as easy as possible because they want their money.

You will need:

1. a bill to be paid
2. a checkbook or money order OR
3. an online bill paying system (highly recommended)

The first bill you must pay every month is your rent payment (or, if you've bought a house, your mortgage payment). PAY IT BEFORE YOU PAY ANYTHING ELSE. NO, I AM NOT KIDDING AROUND. THIS IS SERIOUS. AND ALL THIS UPPER CASE TALKING IS GIVING ME A HEADACHE, so I'ma stop, but seriously, pay for your living space first. I know it's tempting to buy Cool Stuff instead, but that new gaming console isn't going to be quite as much fun if you're pushing it around in a shopping cart.

Most of the time you won't get a rent bill; you just have to remember it's due, and send a payment to your landlord, management company or whoever. The simplest way to do this is with an online bill paying system (about which, see more below). I set mine up to print out a rent check drawn on my checking account and send it to my landlord's address every month. Because it's all done automatically, I don't have to remember to pay the rent (though I do have to remember to keep track of it in Quicken), I don't have to buy stamps to send out the check, and I've never had a late payment. And the landlord ♪ LOVES us! ♪

As far as the rest of your bills are concerned, you'll keep on top of them if you pay them as soon as they come in. (Yeah, you could save them all up for payment in one fell swoop, but that never goes well. They tend to wander away from the desktop where they were placed, then pretty soon they're running with the wrong crowd, hanging out with junk mail, setting fire to P.O. boxes... yeah, just... don't.)

First, scan the bill. You're looking for oddities: weird charges you've never seen before, higher costs than you expected (remember, though, that going into fall and winter you'll have higher heating/electricity bills), services you didn't sign up for, or any other suggestions of monkey business. If something doesn't look right, call the company that sent the bill and contest the charge. If you just shrug and pay a bill with oddities, your chances of getting any money back are about the same as a snowball's in Hades, so check first and ask questions.

If everything looks peachy, you can proceed one of three ways. Using the money from your Gotta List (see this post for more info), pay the bill by writing a check, buying a money order, or sending a payment via online bill paying system. We'll cover these one at a time.

Paying by money order

You can buy a money order in a number of different places, including your local post office. In addition to paying for the actual face value of the money order, you'll need to pay a small service fee (somewhere under $2). Some places make you pay in cash; others (including the post office) will let you use a bank card to pay. Make sure the person printing the money order has the right spelling of the person or company to be paid, and the total amount. Double-check the order to make sure it's accurate before you wander off with it.

Tear off the detachable payment stub on the top or bottom of your bill, slip it into the envelope provided (there usually is one), making sure the return address faces out the envelope window if necessary, then slip the money order behind it, stamp, seal and mail. Done.

Writing a check

Most checking accounts come with a small set of checks. After you rip through these, you either have to buy new ones from your bank or order some from a check printing company (do a web search for "check printing company" and you'll find several).

Now's my chance to put in a shameless plug for duplicate checks (aka carbon copy checks). Duplicates make an automatic carbon copy of every check as you write them, so you don't have to track every freaking check number and amount you write -- the copies are already there in your checkbook. Simple, right?

Anyway, writing a check is pretty easy. Using a pen with permanent ink, write the current date on the top, and write out the name of the company on the "Pay to the order of" line. In the small box to the right, write the numerical amount of the bill you want to pay. Under the "Pay to the order of" line is another line where you'll write the same amount, but spelled out in words instead of numbers. (For example, if the amount in the box is $210.96, you'd write it out as "Two hundred ten and 96/100". Only use "and" where the decimal place goes in the number amount.) You do this to make it harder for would-be thieves to alter the amount of your check. Also, after writing out the amount, draw a straight line to the very end where the word "Dollars" is printed, so no one can add anything else on. You can use the memo line at the lower left of the check to write reminders to yourself about what the check was for, or anything else you need to mention on the check: your account number/ID/bra size/whatever. Then sign your name on the lower right line, tear out the check and proceed to pay as for a money order.

Paying by online bill pay system

I love this invention. Seriously, I want to hug it and squeeze it and do stupid interpretive dances about it. It makes my life SO. MUCH. EASIER.

Many banks and credit unions offer an online bill paying system as part of their online banking offerings. Find out if your bank or CU has one, and if so, sign up to use it. If your bank doesn't have one, GET A NEW BANK. Or, you know, get some third-party bill paying system like MyCheckFree. Once you're set up, add a payee. You need the contact information for the company to whom you are paying the bill, and your customer ID number (both of these should be printed on the bill). Enter these, specify how much money you want to send, and the bill payer does the rest.

You can specify what day of the month you want to pay your bill, which account it should pull from and how much it should take out. If you have a regularly recurring bill that's always for the same amount, you can even set up most online bill payers to pay the bill automatically on a particular day. And if for some stupid reason a company doesn't take online payments yet, most bill paying systems will print and mail a paper check to them. IS THIS NOT AWESOME? THIS IS SPARTA!

So that's about it. Pay your bills on time, in full, and in whatever way is most convenient for you, and the rest of that money is YOURS. (But whatever else you do, be sure to put $10 or so aside and go see Wreck-it Ralph. That movie is awesome.)

How to balance your checkbook

Here's one of the screwiest things about North American high schools: you'll spend a great deal of time and frustration studying subjects you may never use again in your life, but you'll probably get little or no training in the life skills you need to use constantly, like balancing your checkbook, sewing on a button or shopping for groceries. Good thing this blog's here, huh?

So, what does it mean to balance your checkbook? Well, it's like this: you keep your own record of spending each month (or if you don't, you should). Your bank creates its own record of your spending, called a statement. Balancing your checkbook is making sure these two records match. And if you're like most people, you hate doing this and put it off for as long as you can, but that's just stupid. Balancing your books is much simpler than it was in the old days when you had to do everything by hand; there are loads of money tracking programs to choose from (Quicken, Money, Wesabe, Mint and others) that automate most of the process.

Why should you bother balancing your checkbook every month? Well, you want to make sure your bank isn't quietly ripping you off with insane fees or making inaccurate entries, you'll be able to keep your spending plan as accurate as possible, you can avoid getting dinged with overdraft charges, and you'll be able to catch identity thieves fast if they try to jack your account. I'm pretty sure you don't want to be financially responsible for some thieving stranger's big-screen TV. Plus if you take half an hour (tops) to do this every month, it never gets the chance to morph into a heinous chore from hell (which it will become if you leave it for six months to a year).

Please don't be like my husband back in his young and stupid days. He hated balancing his checkbook so much, and was so far off tracking his spending, that it was easier for him just to wait until everything cleared, then close his checking account and open another one. (Yes, he told on himself for the sake of a good personal anecdote. Needless to say, he is no longer young and stupid.)

You will need:

1. Half an hour to figure all this out.
2. A computer with a money tracking program.
3. Your monthly bank statement (paper or online).
4. Receipts for things you've purchased in the last month.

Fire up the computer and start your tracking program. Got any receipts, ATM withdrawals, checks, etc. that you haven't entered into it yet? Get crackin'.

Once you've finished entering all the receipts you can find (for future reference, it's easiest to do this as soon as you buy stuff), get out your bank statement. There are at least two ways you can do this, depending on how hands-on you want to be: you can reconcile items one at a time, or you can use the program to automatically sync up your records with your bank statement. Just for the sake of knowing how to do it, you're going to learn how to reconcile items one at a time, and this example will be in Quicken because that's what I happen to use -- your own money tracking software may (and probably will) vary.

To balance your checkbook in Quicken, you first open the account you intend to balance (let's say checking), then under the Banking tab, click Reconcile. A statement summary screen will pop up, asking you to enter some items from your current statement -- the statement date, opening and closing balances, any service charges your bank levied (@&%$&), and any interest you earned for the month (woot). All this information should be readily available on your statement assuming your bank is doing its job right. Once you've done this, Quicken will move on to the reconcile screen which features two columns: the one on the left shows all withdrawals from your account (including checks), and the one on the right shows all deposits to your account. If you've been entering your receipts religiously, there will probably be more items on each of these lists than there are cleared items on your statement. There will also be at least a few items on your statement that you forgot to enter, but don't sweat it; you'll fix these as you find them.

Start with the checks. Some banks return cancelled checks with your statement; others send Xeroxed copies of the cancelled checks. Get your checks in order and, one by one, compare the check numbers (and amounts!) on your statement with the ones on your records. If they match, click on each entry in Quicken to check it off. (If you made a mistake when you entered the check amount, you can fix it by right-clicking on the entry and editing it in the register screen, then clicking Return to Reconcile. If your bank made a mistake cashing the check and it's off by more than a few pennies, call the bank and let them know. They should make it right.)

Next, move to the deposits. Clear each deposit the same way you clear the checks -- compare the deposits on your statement to the deposits in the right column, and check them off one by one.

Make sure any bank charges and interest are cleared. (If you entered these into the summary screen, they should be pre-cleared. Thanks, Quicken!)

Now you're going to clear the section that's likely to be the longest part of your statement: ATM withdrawals and debit purchases. It pays to be methodical, check every amount carefully and keep track of where you are in the statement. To help me keep track, I cross off each entry in the statement before checking it off in Quicken. You may have to pop into the register screen a few times and add in a withdrawal or purchase you forgot about, but the bank didn't. If you come across a purchase you know you didn't make, call your bank and ask about it ASAP. And keep special track of restaurant purchases -- sometimes waitstaff will decide your tip wasn't enough for their liking, and add on some more. I do understand most waiters and waitresses make crappy hourly wages before tips (and you should always leave a decent tip for good service), but this is still a form of theft and you should call people on it.

By the time you reach the end of this part of the statement, you should be checking the Difference total at the bottom right of the reconcile screen in Quicken. If you've gotten everything right, the total should come out to $0. (Congratulations!) Click Finished. You've balanced your checking account for the month. If you reach the end of your statement and the Difference total in Quicken is anything other than $0, you will have to go back over your statement carefully to make sure you didn't enter an amount incorrectly, miss an entry, or clear an entry that shouldn't have been cleared. Stick to it until you reach the magic $0. You can do it.

And that's checkbook balancing in the age of computers. You can use the same basic skills to balance your other accounts where you get statements, including your savings and credit cards.

Now aren't you glad you don't have to do this with a paper registry and a calculator or an abacus or something? Bleah. Sucktastic.

How to plan your spending

As you wander through the world, sooner or later you will come to two great realizations:

1) There's a lot of really amazing STUFF for sale out there.
2) No matter how much money you make, it won't be enough to buy everything you want.*

This is why you need a spending plan. Here's how it works: you figure out how much money you're making, then plan out how to spend it -- to get both the things you need and the things you want. If you can get used to doing this now, you'll be on track to make your life a whole lot smoother.

You will need:

1. A pencil and piece of paper, and/or a computer.
2. Your latest paycheck stubs, or a record of money you took home in the last 6 months.
3. Stubs from your most recent bills (rent, utilities, and other stuff that has monthly payments).
4. Some spending goals (things you want to buy or do with your money).
5. A calculator, especially if you're a mental math midget like me.
6. A half hour or so to write your plan, and another half hour every few months to tweak it.

Figure out how much money you take home every month. If you have a job with a regular paycheck, this is pretty simple -- for example, if you get $150 a week, multiply that number by 4 weeks in the average month to get your take-home pay (everybody get $600? Right. Just checking). If you don't have a regular job, this step's a little harder -- add up all the money you've taken home over the last six months, and find the average. (Example: total of $3,500 take-home pay over 6 months = 3500 divided by 6 = about $583.33 per month.)

Don't make the common mistake of adding up how much money you make before taxes -- figure out how much you actually have available to take home and spend. If you can't spend it, don't count it. (You might have less take-home pay than you think.)

Once you have a guesstimate of your monthly take-home pay, write it at the top of the paper. This number is the kitty: the total pot of money you get to distribute. Underneath that, make two lists. The first one, the Gotta List, covers living expenses you have to pay every month: rent, utilities (lights, heat, water, phone, garbage, Internet), anything you're paying off on time like credit cards or car payments, grocery bills, gas money, etc. The second one, the Wanna List, covers things you want to buy with your money: movies, video games, books, a car, a trip to Disneyland, 10,000 gumballs, etc.

Now, pulling money from the kitty, start writing down how much you pay every month next to each item on the Gotta List. (Time to get out the calculator.) The Gotta expenses get first dibs from the kitty, for two big reasons. First, adults honor their commitments, including the terms of the contracts they sign, and most of these expenses involve contractual obligations that you agreed to honor, such as when you signed your rental agreement. Second, if you don't take care of these things first, you'll lose control of all your money and your life. If you're a honorless dirtbag who doesn't keep your word, angry landlords and frustrated power companies can turn off your utilities or kick you out of your home; if they don't get paid after that, they can go to court and garnish your wages to make sure they get what you owe them, or do things like repossess your car. (Good luck getting a loan now, dirtbag.) They won't do any of these things if you do your part by honoring your commitments, so pay your bills first!

Some items on your Gotta List are fixed expenses, meaning the cost doesn't change much from month to month (rent, for instance). Others are variable expenses, which go higher or lower depending on how much you use them (if you're like most people, your heating bill will be higher in winter than it is in summer). Still other expenses will only come due once every three to six months; for these, split the cost into equal monthly chunks and write it down. If you're not sure how much you spend on these items, make your best guess. This first spending plan is just a rough draft, so it doesn't have to be perfect. At the bottom, total up everything from the Gotta List. Then add $10 for fudge factor. (Just trust me.)

You may discover some useful information as you work on your plan. For instance, if you take home $600 a month and your rent alone is $500, um... to put it mildly, you've got a cash flow problem. Or you may find that everything in the kitty is going to the Gotta List and there's nothing left over for the Wanna List. What do you do? Well, you could find a better-paying job to boost the money in the kitty. This is a great strategy and worth pursuing, but it's not always possible in a bad economy. Also, look at Great Realization #2 again. The other option is to inspect the Gotta List for places where you can legitimately spend less money. Fixed expenses are hard to change -- yes, you could move to a place with lower rent, but you don't want to end up in a total rathole fleabag, and it also costs money to move (ever hear the phrase "first, last and deposit"? You will). But you can fiddle with variable expenses by changing how much you use them. There are lots of ways to squeeze a little more money back into the kitty.

OK, assuming you've covered everything on the Gotta List with money left to spare, take some time to do the Extra Moolah Dance of Triumph. Go on, I'll wait.

(20 minutes later)
All finished? Time to turn to the Wanna List. This list is wide open, and it's all yours. You can put any spending goal you want on it, from a pair of $500 shoes to a trip to Damascus to feeding all the poor kids in Bhutan to going skydiving with your cat. The point of this list is: if you love it and want to spend your money on it, go for it. There's no such thing as a wrong entry on your Wanna List (well, unless one of the entries is "be a creepy stalker" or something) and there's no set method for spending your extra money. You can buy the small stuff first, or start putting money away for a big-ticket purchase, or do a little of both -- whatever you choose.

What's the point of this exercise? It's to help you understand where your money goes, and to help you calibrate where you want it to go. Money is a representation of your life energy, which is limited, so you might as well put it in the places that are most important to you. In other words, save as much as possible on things that don't matter to you, so you can free up money to spend more on things that do matter to you.

Most non-adults don't have a spending plan. They don't think of money as their life energy; they just drop it randomly on anything that catches their eye, until they run out of cash. Then they beg their family and friends (and the credit card companies) for more. Worse, a lot of them don't even earmark money for the Gotta List first, which means they tend to end up in huge debt and/or getting kicked out on the street. If you have a spending plan, you get to consciously decide where your money goes. In the process you'll learn what's really important to you, and discover what kinds of purchases waste your money.

OK, keep this paper (tape it to the wall or something), because now you're going to put your first-draft spending plan into action. See that amount you put at the bottom of the Gotta List? Take it out of circulation. Remove it from your spending money right now -- either by temporarily moving it to your savings, pulling it out in cash, writing out payment checks ahead of time, or somehow making sure it's off limits so you can't spend it by accident. Use this money only to cover the cost of the items on your Gotta List.

Also keep your receipts, because this month you're going to keep track of where the rest of your money actually goes. You can choose to do this several different ways. I've used Quicken for almost 2 decades, but any money tracking program will work as long as you'll use it consistently. There are online money services like Mint (the money program with super-fresh breath!), or just do battle with a pencil and paper if you like that sort of thing. I prefer money programs because they make the math easy, and they'll also make automatic graphs of your spending and can show you how close you are to your goals. Nice! Plus if you have a money program with a mobile app, you can enter amounts into your phone right as you spend them.

At the end of the month, take another half hour to look over your draft plan and your actual money tracking. Were the numbers on your Gotta List fairly close to what you actually spent, or were they way off base? Make corrections to your plan as necessary, so the amounts you paid for items on the Gotta List are closer to what actually happened during the month. You will probably have more or less money left over than what you originally planned. If you have less, don't sweat it; you can expect to make another draft or two of your spending plan before you iron out all the kinks. If you have more, congratulations; put the extra money toward stuff on the Wanna List!

Oh yeah, one other thing: the process I've just described is usually called basic budgeting. But most people's brains implode when they hear the word "budget." They think it's too hard, or that budgeting means never doing anything fun. Pfft. A budget is just a way to plan out how you're going to spend your money. So go out and spend it AWESOMELY.

*Unless you're someone like Bill Gates. Good luck with that.