How to set a table

It's coming. And like most such eventualities, it's likely to hit you when you least expect.

Maybe you'll be at a summer barbecue... maybe at a potluck... or maybe just at a friend's house for an informal dinner. Someone will hand you a stack of plates and say, "Set the table, please, won't you?"

AND YOU WILL PANIC, FLING PLATES IN ALL DIRECTIONS AND RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

Because, of course, you won't know what you're doing. While hurling plates will certainly create an unforgettable diversion, your hostess may be a wee bit annoyed if you treat her grandmother's fine china like clay pigeons. So you might as well learn ahead of time how to set the table properly.

You will need (at minimum):

1. A table big enough to seat everyone in attendance (or satellite tables, if necessary).
2. A chair for each person.
3. A plate for each person.
4. Flatware (aka silverware) for each person.
5. A drinking glass for each person.
6. A napkin for each person.

When it comes to place settings, the formal etiquette books tend to show the full monty, with fish forks and crab crackers and asparagus tongs and nut forceps and multiple beverage glasses. But don't sweat it; everyday place settings are much simpler. You only use the pieces you'll need to eat the meal (e.g. if your hostess isn't serving soup, you don't need to put down a soup spoon).

Put the plates down first, so that every place at the table has a plate. Ideally you want to space the plates out enough so that people don't constantly elbow each other during the meal, but sometimes space is tight, especially in large gatherings or big families. Just do your best. Then build the rest of the place setting around the plate. If you're not sure what flatware or beverage glasses you'll need for the meal, ask your hostess.

Here's one of the most basic of place settings for a meal that uses a fork, knife and spoon. In the middle is the dinner plate (about 7 inches in diameter). To the left of the plate is the fork, atop a rectangular folded napkin. To the right of the plate is the dinner knife, always with the cutting edge facing toward the plate, and to the right of that is the teaspoon. (In nearly all cases you won't need the larger "tablespoon," aka the soup spoon.) Above and to the right of the plate, between the plate and the knife, is the beverage glass. (This particular setting is for an alcohol-free meal, but if you were having wine with dinner, the wine glass would go just to the right of the beverage glass.) If you're feeling OCD, you should note that the flatware properly lines up along the bottoms of the handles.

There are a couple of standard variations on this theme -- for instance, you can place the folded napkin across the plate instead of beneath the fork -- but for most everyday situations this should have you covered.

See? Not so tough. If you're scared you'll forget, you can print out the masterfully sketched place setting above and keep it in your wallet as a "cheat sheet" until you have it down. It's a lot less embarrassing than having to come up with an apology for breaking all the Spode.

How to care for yourself when you're ill

I don't care if you think you're Strong Like Bool -- sooner or later in life, you're going to come down with a case of the ick. Everyone does. When that day comes, don't be the person who has to call Mom or your significant other or whoever-it-is to come wait on you hand and foot because you have no clue how to take care of yourself. Unless you're seriously incapacitated -- as in hooked up to an IV drip in a hospital bed -- you can do most or all of these things on your own.

See a doctor.

Yep, start out with the advice of a specialist. You need to talk to someone with medical expertise who can review your symptoms, make an informed diagnosis and give you further instructions. And don't start in on me with "But I don't have health insurance!" (Situations like this are the reason you want health insurance in the first place, but that's a discussion for another day.) If you don't have a primary care provider, visit a walk-in health clinic. If you're a college student, there's usually a cheap or free clinic on campus. In a pinch -- say, when you have the shakes and a high fever (102 F or above) in the middle of the night -- get to an emergency room. The money you pay to care for yourself is an investment in the rest of your life, and some illnesses don't get better on their own, so don't mess around -- see a professional first.

Get and take any medication the doctor prescribes.

You're not going to need prescription medication for every illness, but on occasions when your doctor writes a prescription, pick it up from the drugstore right away. (If you're so far gone that you can't make it to the drugstore, call in a favor and get a friend to pick it up for you -- using your money, of course.) If you're concerned about what it's going to cost you, ask your doctor if there is a generic version of the medication available -- this usually lowers the cost of a particular drug -- and shop around if you can; prices for prescription drugs vary from store to store.

Most prescription medications now come with a long printed insert explaining how the medicine is used and what to expect from it. At the very least, read and know the serious side effects of any medicine you take; if you notice you're developing any of these side effects, or if anything else alarming happens -- for instance, if flaming snakes are erupting from your walls and ceiling, that's usually a bad sign -- stop taking the medicine and call the doctor who prescribed it right away.

If you don't get any serious side effects, you should keep taking the medicine as your doctor prescribed. Come on, you're not going to get better by magical medical osmosis if you pick up your prescription but don't actually take it. It's especially important to take antibiotics on schedule until they're all gone, not just until you feel better. Bacteria are tough little buggers, and some of them can bounce back and make you even sicker if you don't finish the whole course of antibiotics, so stick to the program.

Just have a cold? Some over-the-counter remedies are your friends. Others, not s'much. The FDA has more useful info.

Follow doctor's orders.

If your doctor recommends that you breathe moist air, get or borrow a humidifier and use it. If your doctor tells you to stay away from spicy food, put down the three-alarm chili. You just paid to get the benefit of six to eight years of medical school knowledge -- so follow your doctor's advice!

Let people know you're sick.

If people are depending on you and you're not going to be there, call or email them and let them know you're lying flat in bed with a case of the crud. As Wilford Brimley would say, "It's the right thing to do!"

Keep it clean.

You probably got sick because you were exposed to somebody with the mung in the first place. The best way to keep from spreading the joy around is to keep yourself and your environment clean. Also, you can combat some kinds of illness by reducing the total bacterial load. Bathe regularly, wash your hands, and if you're Super OCD you can get some of those antibacterial wipes and rub down things like door handles.

SLEEEEEEEP.

The human body is capable of healing itself, given some downtime, so get as much sleep as you can. Or at least get plenty of rest. If you can't just lie in bed without going stir crazy, watch a movie or play a game on your phone or just read a favorite book -- any pastime that doesn't require a lot of strenuous physical or mental activity is fine. If you have bronchitis or some other respiratory crud and find the coughing gets worse when you're horizontal, stick some pillows behind you to prop up your upper body. But stay down.

Force fluids.

Dehydration is a common side effect of many illnesses. Clean, potable water is the cheapest and best drink of all when you're sick, but you can also switch it up with apple juice, warm broth, ginger or peppermint tea, or the magical stuff known to mankind as chicken soup. (We keep a can of Campbell's Chicken and Stars soup in our pantry on the off chance someone in our household gets sick. The stars have magical healing properties! Ask my husband!) Just keep ladling it in. Yep, that means you're gonna need to pee a lot. It's all part of the process of flushing out the system.

By the way, yes, I know some alcoholic beverages are technically clear fluids, but they're NOT your friend when you're sick. Alcohol might help you sleep, but it also causes severe dehydration, which is the precise opposite of what you want. And that brings us to the next topic:

YOU AREN'T "SICK" IF YOU HAVE A HANGOVER.

Yeah, I know you probably feel like crap, but a hangover isn't an illness -- it's a consequence. You get ill because you were accidentally exposed to a virus or bacterium. There's nothing accidental about you being exposed to a fifth of Chivas Regal. And your boss probably didn't get where she is by being stupid. If she notices you're constantly calling in "sick" on Monday morning or the day after a long weekend, it won't take very long for her to see a pattern -- and for you to get canned. And frankly, you'll deserve what you get. Play it safe and don't drink the night before you go in to work. Doi.

While hangovers aren't an illness, alcoholism is. Think you might have a drinking problem? Adults aren't afraid to ask for help when they need it. Go get 'em, Tiger. Your loved ones (and your liver) will thank you.

Extra credit: get vaccinated.

If you're sick because of a highly-transmissible illness for which a vaccine exists, don't do the dumb again. Assuming you're not immunocompromised, make sure you're vaccinated against these diseases on whatever schedule your doctor or pharmacist recommends. You'll greatly reduce the chance of getting super sick or even dying from something you didn't have to suffer with in the first place. That's not just smart and healthy, it's frugal as well. Bonus!

How to iron a shirt

There are several ways to handle a good dress shirt, but if you want to look really sharp and professional, you're going to have to learn how to iron that sucker. I could go through the steps one by one here, but a) I've got more important stuff to do today and b) it's really one of those things that's easier to learn by visual example. So I'm turning it over to a video how-to expert.

Here's one after my own heart:


Or if that isn't your style, you can just scan YouTube for your favorite tutorial instead.

A couple of random observations to aid you in your task:

• Make sure the sole plate of your iron (the hot part that touches the shirt) is clean before you heat it up. If there's any gunk stuck to it, it will probably end up on your shirt.
• Don't overheat the iron in the hope that it will make ironing faster. You could end up burning or melting your shirt this way, which just makes you look incompetent.
• For fine fabrics, get a press cloth of woven 100% cotton and put it between the shirt and the iron as you press it. This takes a little while longer, but it keeps the shirt looking nice.
• Don't iron over buttons. Many are made of plastic. Plastic + hot iron = dead button. Iron carefully around them instead, or grab a stainless steel teaspoon and put the bowl of the spoon upside down over the button as a heat shield while you iron around it.
• Use your ironing time as a chance to check the shirt for any damage. If there's a stain, spot-treat it and wash it again. If a button is coming loose, sew it back on.
• UNPLUG YOUR IRON WHEN YOU'RE DONE. I have a terrible habit of leaving the iron on, and when the time came to replace our old iron I ended up getting one that automatically shuts itself off after a few minutes of inactivity. Lifesaver, I tell you.

How to replace a toilet paper roll

Based on the plethora of anguished cries from spouses and significant others all over the planet, I've deduced that knowing how to replace a toilet paper roll properly is a) a sure sign of adulthood and b) in danger of becoming arcane wisdom. Let's try to rectify that today, shall we?

Steady, folks. I know this one is gonna be a toughie. The good news is that once you've gotten the basics down, you can change toilet paper rolls in residential bathrooms all over North America (unless they've gotten their TP dispensers from IKEA or something. Curse you, IKEA, you and your wily weird Scandinavian TP dispensers!). Never again need you flail about helplessly in the restroom, waiting for someone -- anyone -- to come and restore the TP to full working order, for YOU SHALL HAVE SKILLS.

You will need:

1. a spring-loaded type toilet paper dispenser with an empty toilet paper roll on it
2. a new roll of toilet paper
3. minimal manual dexterity
4. about 30 seconds of your time

Relax. Take a few deep breaths. Remind yourself that others have done successfully what you're about to accomplish. If it helps you achieve a Zen-like state, be seated on the throne in lotus position and meditate upon the paradox of soft-yet-strong quilted paper.

When you're ready...

...turn to the task at hand. (Please ignore the ducks. They've invaded our bathroom and nothing we can do will dissuade them from hanging out atop the toilet tank.)

The bar across the center of this TP dispenser is spring-loaded. With boldness, grasp one end of the bar (it doesn't really matter which one -- just pick a side)...

...push firmly toward the other end, and guide the bar down and out of the brackets.

Assuming the spring-loaded bar didn't make a break for freedom and leap toward the floor, you now have a bar with an empty TP roll on it.

As the ducks look on in wonder, grab the empty roll and slide it off the bar. Houston, we have separation.

Once the empty roll is off, feel free to recycle it, craft it into some treasure of trash, or just fling it in the bin with utter insouciance. (Live for the moment, I say!)

Now pick up your trusty new roll of toilet paper...

... and slide the bar right through the handy-dandy hole in the middle.

The never-ending jihad known as Over or Under will not be discussed here. You figure out what works for your household and leave me out of it, OK?

Now you're going to perform a reverse version of the maneuver you used to get the bar off: fit one side of the bar into one bracket...

... press the bar in until it compresses a little...

... and guide the other end of the bar into the other bracket.

Mission accomplished! You now have a working roll of toilet paper, ready to go.

What you choose to do with it next is up to you.

How to shop for groceries

I'll bet you think you already know how to shop for groceries.

Hmm.

OK, picture this: you enter the grocery store just after a long day at work or school, dying of hunger, and immediately have to cut your way through the starving barbarian hordes of workers and students who are doing exactly the same thing. Your impulsive monkey brain prompts you to grab lots of ready-to-eat food from the deli and bakery sections of the store. Then you run up and down the aisles, cavalierly tossing anything that looks good into your cart. Dead-ending in the produce section, you throw in some guilt-purchased bagged lettuce and a few other fruits and veggies that you have every intention of making into... something, eventually. You wait 20 minutes in line to pay an insane price for this cart fulla goodness, as all your frozen foods defrost. On the way home, since by now you're so hungry you're in danger of gnawing off your own arm for sustenance, you pick up some fast food for dinner. Three weeks later you have to hose out your fridge's crisper bin because it's full of rotting goop that was once the vegetables you bought.

This scenario happens to everyone once in a while, but if it describes most of your shopping trips? Yeeeeeaaaaah, you don't really know what you're doing. It's time you got schooled!

You will need:

1. The most recent advertising circular from your grocery store of choice.
2. Some time to figure out a plan of attack.
3. Grocery money from your spending plan.
4. A cookbook or a set of recipes you want to try.
5. A piece of paper and a pen or pencil.
6. A calculator (optional).
7. Transportation to and from the grocery store.

Here's whatcha do.

Strategic planning

Strategic grocery shoppers can successfully manage three factors: how much money they have to spend, what's on sale, and what they want to cook.

Figure out first how much cash you have to work with; pull the amount from your spending plan and keep it in front of you as you work out your grocery list.

Now browse the ad circular. It will list all the items on sale this week. If you see a sale item you know you'll need (toilet paper, soap, toothpaste, etc.), write it down. It's also a good idea to write down the brand name and advertised price so you remember what's on sale when you're at the store. If the circular has any printed coupons for things you use, cut them out and take them with you. (Don't be too proud to use coupons! They'll save you money, and the store expects people to use them.)

Finally, look over the recipes you want to try. See any ingredients from the recipes that are on sale this week? It's a little like playing that old memory game where you try to find two matching images on the cards. Focus heavily on the recipes with items that are on sale, and write down what you'll need to make each recipe. Your grocery list is taking shape. As you go, make a rough estimate of the running total (you may need to use a calculator), so that you don't end up spending more money than you have.

Hungry? Eat a small, high-protein snack (examples: lunchmeat, fried egg, beef jerky, cheese stick, peanut butter) before you go shopping. Protein satisfies your hunger without making you feel stuffed, and when you go grocery shopping you want to aim for a happy medium -- not too hungry, not too full. (If you are too full, everything food-related will look nauseating, especially under those soul-sucking fluorescent lights. Wait an hour or two before you go shopping.)

Now gather up your money, grocery list and coupons and, to paraphrase a line from Predator, "Get to da shop-pah!"

In the store

If you can swing it, shop at a time of day when the store isn't packed fulla customers. I know circumstances don't always make this possible, but when the store is less hectic, you'll feel a lot less stressed and you'll make better choices. (Since I'm a night owl by nature and my local grocery is open 24 hours, I've become the master of the Epic Late-Night Grocery Run. Late-night shopping means there's food in the house first thing in the morning, and it also makes redeeming a whole stack of coupons less vexing to others, since I rarely have to worry about anyone waiting behind me in line.)

Plan a path through the grocery store. Start in the produce section, move to the canned foods, pantry and nonperishable items, non-foods (things like soap and TP), then baked goods, eggs and dairy, meat and seafood, and finish with the frozen items. If you buy the perishable and frozen items last, just before you hit checkout, they'll be in much better shape by the time you get home.

Don't just merrily fling stuff into your cart; pay attention to what you're buying. Check expiration dates on dairy products and canned goods, open and inspect cartons of eggs to make sure none are cracked or smashed, make sure produce isn't bruised or moldy, check the labels to find out what you're eating, and don't grab the first shopworn container off the shelf. You may as well get the most value for your money.

Buy head lettuce rather than bagged lettuce. It doesn't take that much extra time to prepare, and head lettuce is usually cheaper and lasts a lot longer than the stuff in the bag. And if you never buy anything but iceberg lettuce, try branching out a little and picking up some red leaf, Romaine, butter lettuce, arugula or spinach, depending on what's on sale.

Pick up fruits and vegetables when they're in season, and plan your recipes around them. They'll be cheaper and taste better. If you have no notion of what's in season, do a web search for "in-season produce" for your area -- or just let your nose be your guide; really fresh fruit tends to smell wonderful. And don't be scared of whole fruits and vegetables. They don't take much time to clean and prepare, and they cost less if you do the prep work yourself.

If something you need isn't on sale, look for a store brand. Many large grocery chains offer house-brand items that are as good as or better than the nationally-advertised brands, and they're almost always less expensive. Sometimes they're even less expensive than the advertised sale item. (If you're not sure you'll like the store brand, get the smallest available size of the item and sample it at home; if you hate it, most stores will let you return the unused portion for a refund.)

Check the Used Food Section for bargains. (No, I don't know of any stores that actually call their markdown areas "Used Food," but I'd love it if someone did.)  Meat, dairy and produce are usually marked down because they're close to expiring, so if you find a good deal here be prepared to use or freeze it ASAP. Marked-down bakery items are usually in danger of going stale (meh), but shouldn't actually be moldy (ew). Marked-down cans are usually dented; examine them very carefully to be sure there are no leaks, swelling or other signs that the contents have turned evil. Botulism poisoning is never a bargain.

Don't buy anything on display in the checkout line. Seriously. Pure impulse buys. STAY STRONG, LITTLE SHOPPER.

Don't forget your coupons -- and don't let your checker forget them. (I usually say, "By the way, I have some coupons" as the checker starts scanning my items, and I put them up on the check-writing platform so they're clearly visible. Then the checker scans my coupons and I smile delightedly as my grocery total starts to shrink.)

At home

Once you bring the bags in, put the frozen stuff away first, then the perishables, then the canned goods and pantry items, and finally the non-foods.

Plan out your meals so that the most perishable food gets used up first. If you bought fresh fish, you should eat it by the next day. Eat fresh poultry within 48 hours. Ground meat goes bad faster than steaks, chops and roasts. And have a specific purpose in mind for your fruits and vegetables. Cook and eat them promptly so they don't have time to evolve into a new lifeform and crawl out of the fridge on their own. Yeeze.

Grocery Fu: for advanced shoppers only

Mastered all of the above, and ready to level up? OK, here we go.

Buy staple pantry items and non-perishable items in bulk whenever they go on sale. To do this effectively, you need a good feel for what items are "staple pantry items" around your place. Staples are the long-storing foods you use most often to cook or bake, and they vary from household to household depending on your cooking style and dietary needs. (Your kitchen canisters may be labeled Flour, Sugar, Coffee and Tea, but you probably won't use them for those items if you're a celiac, a diabetic and a Mormon, right?) If you don't know what your staple items are, look over the recipes you cook most often. Seeing certain familiar ingredients again and again? Behold your staples!

If you have a freezer, you can stock up on some perishable items that freeze well. Roasts and chops freeze well if they're wrapped properly. So does butter (let it defrost in the fridge before using it). Milk? Ehh, notsamuch. If you plan to do a lot of freezing, check out this list of foods that freeze well (and some foods that don't).

Shop around. Many grocery stores have frequent buyer programs where they'll give you discounts on groceries and/or gasoline if you shop there more often, but it's easy to fall into the rut of buying all your food in the same place... don't do that! Remember, it's OK to cheat on your grocery store! Check to see what the competition is doing every now and then, and see what they're offering that your usual grocery store doesn't. This goes double for specialty stores like Trader Joe's or your friendly neighborhood spice emporium. They won't have the wide range of products your local supermarket has, but they do offer amazing stuff at (usually) low prices. And don't forget your local farmers' markets, where you can find super-fresh local produce and the kind of unusual fruits and veggies that most big commercial farms don't bother to grow.

Peg Bracken, of The I Hate To Cook Book fame, used to suggest bringing a small cookbook to the grocery store; then if you come across a snazzy unadvertised sale on something, you can look it up in the book's index, find a good recipe for it, and save yourself another trip by picking up the needed recipe ingredients. Of course, Ms. Bracken wrote this in the early 1960s, when Al Gore was still busy inventing the Internet. Why lug around a cookbook if you already have a smartphone? The power of the Net in the palm of your hand!

Have any additional advice to share about honing your grocery shopping skills? Drop me a line!

How to sew on a button

I'm not a sewing expert. Nonetheless, just as everyone who eats needs some basic cooking skills, everyone who isn't a nudist needs to master some simple skills in mending clothes. And here's the most common fix: sewing on a button that's come loose. I know -- how hard can it be to sew on a button? But as with so many other tasks, there's a right way and a wrong way to get it done.

There are two types of buttons you sew on: shank buttons and flat buttons. The shank button is smooth or rounded on top with no visible holes, and a loop on the underside (called a shank) through which you loop the thread to sew it to the garment. The flat button has two or four holes centered in the middle of the button; you use the holes to sew the button to the fabric.

Clearly I'm slumming it around here and should be wowing the professors in art school.

Whether or not they come with one built in, all buttons need shanks. Think of the shank as "breathing room" between the button and the fabric it's sewn to, enough space to allow the buttonhole to fit easily around the button. If you sew a flat button down too tightly, it won't hold the garment closed properly, or the button may tear the fabric or pop off from the stress (kind of like a college student's head during finals).

As it happens, my niece recently popped a button off her skirt, so I decided to kill two birds with one stone and document the whole process for posterity. Thanks to the talented Michele for taking some of these pictures, since I don't have three hands.

You will need:

1. A few minutes' time.
2. A matching flat button to be sewn on.
3. A thin sewing needle (needles sold as "sharps" are good choices).
4. Sewing thread.
5. A shank spacer, such as a tapestry needle, toothpick or matchstick.
6. Sharp scissors.

YES! Welcome to the wonderful world of PHOTOGRAPHY!

Start with a button that matches the others on the garment, if at all possible. If you're fortunate enough to have the original button that popped off (as I did), by all means use it. If it rolled away and is lost for good, first check along the inside seams of your garment; sometimes the manufacturer will sew on an extra button or two for mending purposes. If that fails, you can snag a button from somewhere else on your garment where it's unlikely to be noticed (at the lower hem of a skirt or a shirttail is usually a good place), sew that one on, and replace the less noticeable button with one that's close to the same color, shape and size. If you're ~=*!!!SUPER OCD MAN!!!*=~ and the idea of mismatched buttons anywhere on a garment drives you batty, you could remove ALL the buttons from the garment, buy a matching set of replacement buttons that are the same diameter as the originals, and sew them all on using this method. Or you could just follow your doctor's advice and take your meds.

Any loose threads still attached to your button? Trim them off before you begin. Nice and neat.

Thread your sewing needle with about 18 inches of thread in a matching color...

...and pull it through until the thread is doubled over on itself. You can tie a knot in the tail end if you want, but you really don't need to.

Give the garment a close look. You should be able to find the place where the button popped off (helpfully indicated by the blindingly white arrow here) -- it will have small, regularly spaced holes where the stitches used to be, or a rough spot in the fabric. If you can't find it, just button up the garment neatly and poke the needle through the empty buttonhole to find the right spot.

Time to secure the thread. Flip the garment over to the wrong side and, at the point where you're going to sew on the button, make two or three small stitches in the same space. If you didn't knot the thread, leave a thread "tail" a few inches long at the end of your first stitch, then hold these thread ends in place with your thumb so they don't slip out of the fabric as you take the second stitch.

After the third stitch, the thread should be nice and secure. Trim off the thread end "tail" fairly close to the stitching.

Poke the needle through to the right side of the fabric and draw the thread all the way through, preparing to sew on the button. Check the wrong side to make sure you haven't left a rat's nest of tangled thread back there. You may need to pull gently on one side or the other of the doubled thread to close up any thread loops on the wrong side.

Look at the other buttons on the garment to see how they're aligned. The buttons on this particular skirt are vertically aligned, with stitching running from the top to the bottom holes.

So align your button the same way, in just the spot where you want it to be.

Poke the needle through the top hole of the button and draw the thread through.

Before you do anything else, grab your shank spacer and place it between the two button holes as shown. I used a big ol' tapestry needle because it happened to be in reach and its smooth metal surface makes it easy to remove, but I could have used a matchstick or a toothpick or even a super-small knitting needle. You'll have to hold the spacer in place with your non-dominant hand while you sew with the other one.

Poke the needle through the bottom hole to the wrong side of the fabric, and draw the thread all the way through, looping it over the shank spacer and pulling it taut. First stitch made.

Repeat this process several times -- poking the needle up through the top hole, drawing the thread through, looping it around the shank spacer and down through the bottom hole -- until you've got a good number of stitches in place. Pull gently on the sewing thread as needed to make sure you aren't leaving loose, messy loops of thread on either side of the fabric. Since your thread is doubled, it shouldn't take very long until you've got a nice solid loop of threads, like this.

Now pretend you're Arthur with the sword in the stone and, with one bold move, pull out your shank spacer. Tadaaa! You are rightwise king of England!

Next up: form the shank. Poke the needle through to the right side of the fabric (but NOT through a button hole) and draw the thread all the way through...

...then wrap the thread four or five times around the sewn threads underneath the button to complete the thread shank...

...and poke the needle back through the fabric at the same spot it came out, drawing the thread through and making sure it's nice and taut.

Back on the wrong side of the fabric, take a few small stitches to secure the thread...

...and take one more stitch, but before drawing the thread through completely, thread the needle through the thread loop and pull it tight to create a knot that's flush against the surface of the fabric. Then trim off the thread.

All done!

Fasten the new button to make sure it looks all right. Then air-guitar like a rock star at the awesomeness of your well-done job.

(Four-hole flat buttons work almost exactly the same way -- you just create an X with your threads, alternately sewing vertical and horizontal stitches over the shank spacer. And shank buttons just need to be sewn firmly down without any added spacing, since the shank is already built into the button.)

Basic cooking skills, part 2: Beans

If you've been living on your own for a while, you probably already know that not all cheap food is good, and not all good food is cheap. But a few foods are both. Dry beans and other legumes fall into this category. They've got all kinds of great nutrients, they're super cheap (as I write this, you can buy a pound of dry beans -- which cooks up to about 6 or 7 cups of rehydrated beans -- for less than $2), they can be paired with rice or corn to make a complete protein, they feature in all kinds of recipes and they're absolutely delicious.

So if dry beans are so awesomesauce, why don't more people cook them from scratch? Well, because most people are clueless about dry beans. They don't know where to start, or they think it's going to be super-difficult and take a long time, or they worry about the heartbreak of flatulence, and they have a complete mental meltdown. None of these things are going to be an issue if you know what to do. And you will know what to do by the time you finish reading this!

You will need:

1. 16 oz. or about 2 cups of dry beans, any type you like (or whatever's on sale)
2. a place to spread them out, such as a clean countertop
3. a source of clean drinkable water
4. a colander or sieve
5. a large cooking pot with a lid
6. a stove or fire
7. savory additions (optional; see below)
8. a lazy weekend to cook your first big mess o' beans

Sorting it out

The first thing you gotta do is sort your beans. Find a clean countertop or tabletop and spread the beans out on it, sorting through them bit by bit to get rid of any rocks, dirt clods, seeds, sticks and other non-bean objects that were lurking in the bag. (Don't think you can skip this step. Once when I was a kid, my mom took a chance with dry beans that looked "ehhh, clean enough" and proceeded to make a big batch of homemade chili flavored with rocks and dirt chunks. YEARS of therapy, people.)

Spread the beans out on a clean counter or tabletop. Working methodically, pull a few beans aside at a time, looking for hidden dirt, rocks, straw, and anything else that isn't a bean. When you find a non-bean, discard it and keep going until you've sorted the whole batch. That's it!

Washing it up

Once you're done sorting, dump the beans into a colander or sieve (anything that will hold beans, but won't hold water) and rinse them thoroughly under clean running water -- under the tap of a sink is ideal. By "rinse them thoroughly" I mean turn all the beans over in the sieve with your fingers, getting them completely wet. You're looking to get rid of any lingering dust and dirt, which if you're wondering is not delicious at all.

Prepping and cooking

Pour your washed beans into a large cooking pot and cover them with water, several inches above the level of the beans. (They're going to soak up water and expand as they cook, so you need to give them enough water and enough room.)

If you have beans that don't require pre-soaking, such as Anasazi beans, you can skip right to cooking, but most dry beans must be pre-soaked before they're cooked. You can do this one of two ways: the lazy method or the fast method. The lazy method involves just putting the lid on the pot and letting the beans soak about 6 hours. The fast method involves putting the beans over the stove or fire, letting them come to a boil, IMMEDIATELY PULLING THEM OFF THE HEAT, clapping the lid on and letting them soak for an hour. (This one time I started quick soaking a pot of beans and went off to run some errands, forgetting to take them off the heat. Did you know that burned beans smell like really bad coffee? Well, our entire apartment complex knew it by the time I got home. Pull them off the heat. Please.)

On to cooking! Drain the soaking water from the beans and top them up with fresh water. It's not crucial, but if you can find an herb called epazote at a Mexican market or in the Hispanic food aisle of the supermarket, add a little bit to your beans now. Put them over the fire, bring them to a boil, drop the heat down to a simmer, put the lid on slightly tilted for ventilation, and let the beans cook until they soften and become tender enough to mash between your fingers, about 45 minutes to 1 1/2 hours depending on the type and age of bean and your kitchen's height above sea level. (Soybeans take FOREVER to cook; don't bother.) Stir the beans every now and then so they don't stick to the bottom of the pot, and check to make sure they're not running out of water, adding more if it looks like they need it. Notice there's no mention of putting salt in the beans. That's because beans take longer to cook if you add salt or acid to them. Oh, and fish out the epazote before the beans are done.

Jazzing it up

Now you have a whole pot of basic beans, without any additions or spicing. Right now they're dead boring. So here are some ideas for jazzing them up:

Salted and/or smoked pork products and beans love each other. Leftover ham, pork hocks, salt pork, cooked crumbled bacon, smoked sausage -- they're all yummy with beans. They're also salty, so let the beans cook on their own for a while before you add the pork. If you can't get enough of the smoky flavor of Babe, pick up some liquid smoke seasoning at the supermarket and add about a quarter teaspoon or so to your pot of beans. (WARNING: This stuff's concentrated, so go easy with it until you know how much you like.) Also, here's my mom's super secret addition: in the last half hour of cooking, add a can of evaporated milk (NOT sweetened condensed milk) to the pot of beans, and mash up about a cup of beans and add them back in. It makes the bean broth thick and velvety and super delicious.

For a basic vegetarian mess of beans: chop up an onion, sauté it until it's translucent, and throw it into your beans. Throw in some pressed cloves of garlic or some garlic powder (or both! Why not?), and a teaspoon or two of dried thyme. Near the end of cooking, fling in some canned tomatoes or a combination of tomatoes and diced green chilies. Taste to check for seasoning. Eat with cornbread. (Yes, if you're interested, I can teach you how to make cornbread.)

Drain most of the liquid off the beans, mash the beans up with a potato masher, fry them in a little lard or bacon drippings (adding some liquid back if necessary), and you've got homemade frijoles refritos. Sprinkle with Mexican white cheese and eat with gusto and a spoon, or spread on a tortilla as part of the filling for a bean burrito.

Make yourself some red beans and rice. Sing praises to the glorious gods of New Orleans cooking.

Cut up some bell peppers and a red onion, mix it with a cup of corn kernels and a cup of drained home-cooked beans, pour some Italian dressing or vinaigrette over the whole thing, stir and marinate in the fridge a few hours, and you've got a delicious bean salad.

It's time to explore some chili recipes. Or, if you're from Down East, baked bean recipes.

You can even make desserts with beans. No kidding. This awesome flourless chocolate cake recipe features blended black beans (say that three times fast), and black bean brownies have gotten popular with moms who are trying to sneak some nutrition into their kids' desserts.

Silencing the musical fruit

The biggest problem most people have with beans is the dreaded Fart Factor. Beans contain a sugar that humans cannot completely digest, and the result is usually post-meal tooting. I've already identified two ways to cut down on the musicality of beans: change the soaking water before cooking, and add a little bit of epazote to the beans. You can also cook the beans until they're soft (al dente texture is not a virtue with beans) and make sure you chew them well to cut down on flatulence. If you eat beans regularly, your body will adjust to digesting them. And if you're still consumed with social anxiety, buy a bottle of Beano and take a few pills before eating your beans.

Finding time to cook

"Cooking beans takes too long," I hear you whine. (Really, you've got a carrying voice.) Well, yeah, it takes longer than fast food, but most real cooking does. More than time, though, what real cooking takes is a small amount of planning ahead -- and adults know how to plan ahead. With that said, there are ways to cut down on bean-cooking time.

Divide the labor between days to make it easier. You can cook your basic beans on a lazy weekend day (as suggested up top) and refrigerate or freeze them in small containers. Then they're prepped and ready to use whenever the urge to sling hash happens to hit you. Frozen beans tend to break down, so it's best to use them in recipes where the beans don't have to be whole, like cream soups and bean-based desserts.

Beans can become fast food if you have a pressure cooker. The time needed to cook beans under pressure drops from hours to minutes -- five to eight minutes at 15 pounds pressure, to be precise. NOT ALL BEANS PLAY WELL WITH PRESSURE COOKERS, however, so read your cooker's directions first or you could end up with beans all over your ceiling.

If working with a pressure cooker scares the beans out of you, try the other end of the spectrum and use a slow cooker. You can load it up with soaked beans and liquid and other goodies in the morning, plug it in, set it and go to work or school or Disneyland or whatever else it is you're doing for eight hours. Come home and you'll have a hot meal waiting for you.

Beans are glorious! They are delicious! They are dead cheap! And they don't have to be musical! Mastering the art of dry bean cookery sets you free from oversalted, overpriced cans of beans -- and it also makes you a magnet for the honeys. Really. Try it if you don't believe me.

(More basic cooking skills to come. As always, send in your requests for the next installment.)

Basic cooking skills, part 1

Today I'm going to teach you how to cook EVERYTHING!

Actually, no I'm not. Mark Bittman has already written a whole series of books about that. But what I will do is get you started with a few basic kitchen skills everyone should know. How far you choose to branch out from there is up to you.

If I could give you one bit of advice regarding cooking, it would be this: if at all possible, learn how to cook by watching and participating with another cook in the kitchen. You'll pick up all sorts of little tips and tricks just by watching a good cook do her thing and by getting hands-on experience.

You will need:

1. a source of clean potable water.
2. a frying pan, preferably a good nonstick one.
3. a medium-sized cookpot with a lid.
4. a spatula.
5. a sharp kitchen knife.
6. a cutting board.
7. a kitchen timer.
8. a stove/oven combination.
9. a colander or large sieve.
10. a serving bowl.

Boiling water

Yep, I'm gonna teach you how to boil water. Someone has to, right?

Get out the cookpot and fill it with fresh cold water, no more than three-quarters full. Put it on the stove, turn on the burner under the cookpot (double-check that you've turned on the correct burner) and let the water heat up. You can put the lid on the cookpot if you want the water to boil a bit faster. (Don't walk away from the pot! You'll start doing other things, forget about it, and pretty soon... well, let's just say I've destroyed a few pots in my time.) When large bubbles are rising from the bottom and breaking at the top of the pot, the water is boiling.
NOTE: The temperature at which water boils is different in different areas. The higher the elevation, the lower the boiling point -- and the longer you'll need to cook certain boiled foods like pasta. Most recipes assume you are at or near sea level, so if you're at a higher elevation (about 4000+ feet) you will need to adjust your cooking time to compensate.

Chopping, slicing, dicing, mincing

These are all specific ways to describe cutting food into smaller chunks, an essential skill if you want to learn to cook. Slicing usually involves cutting food into thin slices. Chopping is cutting it into rough chunks, approximately the size of the end of your thumb. (But don't chop off the end of your thumb, please.) Dicing means cutting a food into small cubes, about 1/2 to 1/4 inch in size. Mincing means cutting a food even smaller than dicing, almost to the point where it becomes a paste. The easiest way to cut any food is to use the right tools: a sharp kitchen knife and a cutting board. If you've never cut food up before, take your time and try to get some one-on-one practice with an experienced cook. Barring that, look online for a good video on basic knife skills and practice your form.

Eggs

Eggs are magic. Seriously, they are subtle and powerful agents of alchemy in the cooking world. They help hold together baked goods, emulsify homemade mayonnaise, and are used in everything from omelets to quiches. To start off, you should know three basic ways to cook an egg.

Fried: Grab your frying pan, put it on the stove and set the burner underneath it to medium-high heat. Get out an egg, and maybe a teaspoon or so of butter. Melt the butter in the pan until it foams. Turn the heat down to medium. Crack the egg on the side of the pan and gently separate the sides, opening it up close to the surface of the pan so the egg gently touches down without breaking the yolk. (If you're nervous about this, you can crack the egg into a cup instead, then pour the contents of the cup into the pan.) The white should start to set up and become opaque. Grind some pepper over the top of the egg, but otherwise leave it alone. When the white is firm and the edges start to curl up, it's ready.
This basic variation of egg-frying is called sunny-side-up, and it's perfect if you like a warm but runny yolk. If you like your yolk cooked a bit more, slide the spatula underneath the egg and gently turn it over in the pan, taking care not to break the yolk, and cook it about 30 seconds longer; this version is called over-easy. Of course, if you break the yolk and sorta scumble it around in the pan, you can also create the time-honored version known as the train wreck.
My hubby likes to make what he calls one-eyed sandwiches: you cut a round hole in the middle of a piece of bread, using a biscuit cutter or the edge of a drinking glass, then put it in the foamy butter and let it toast a bit. Break the egg right into the hole in the middle of the bread. When it starts to set up, flip it over and let the other side of the bread toast. Get yourself a glass of milk or juice and voila, instant breakfast.
Scrambled: Same frying pan, same foamy butter. But this time, break an egg into a small bowl and use a fork to whip it around until the white and yolk are thoroughly intermixed. Add a bit of pepper and a few drops of hot sauce if you like (I prefer Cholula), and pour it into the pan. Stir the eggs around with the spatula. They will slowly set up and begin to separate into curds. When you see no runny liquid left, the eggs are ready. (Don't cook them too long or they'll start to get rubbery.) Salt to your liking and eat, or add a little salsa, ketchup or brown sauce. Om nom nom.
Hard-boiled: Personally I can't stand the taste of hard-boiled eggs, but I know I'm a freak of nature, so here goes: It's best to make several hard-boiled eggs at once, to lessen the chances that one will break during the cooking process. Put the eggs into a medium-sized cookpot filled with cold water (covering the eggs by an inch or two). Bring the water to a boil on the stove. Once the water has reached a full rolling boil, remove the cookpot from the heat, put the lid on the pot and set your kitchen timer for 12 minutes. Leave the eggs alone until the timer goes off. Then pour off the hot water and submerge the eggs in very cold water to stop the cooking process. (Some people suggest putting the eggs under cold running tap water so the water stays consistently cold. Others suggest throwing in a few ice cubes.) Let them stay in the cold water until they're cool to the touch. Gently roll a boiled egg on the counter to crack the shell, then peel the shell off, preferably under cold running water. You can eat them as is with a little salt, or use them to make deviled eggs or egg salad or whatever takes your fancy. Just don't make me eat 'em.

Pasta

Thanks to the wonders of jarred sauces, pasta is one of the simplest and most economical meals to make. And you look more competent making this stuff than you do with a packet of instant ramen.

The important thing in cooking pasta is making sure you have enough boiling water, so that the pasta can "swim" freely as it cooks. If you cram pasta into a small pot, it will take ages to cook, get gummy and cling to itself. Yech. So make sure it's got plenty of room. When in doubt, give it more water than you think it'll need; more is better than less.

Heat up the water first in the cookpot (if in doubt, read "How to boil water" above). Add about a teaspoon or so of salt to the water. Once it's at a nice rolling boil, add the pasta, a little at a time (about a palmful at a time for small shaped pasta), and let it do its thing in the water. Check the side of the container for cooking times. Fresh pasta (sold in the refrigerator case) takes almost no time at all, while dried pasta (sold in boxes on the shelf) can take up to 15 minutes to cook.

The easiest way to check for pasta's "doneness" is to fish a piece out and bite into it. If it's cooked all the way through to the center, it's perfect. Don't let it overcook and get mushy. Put the colander into the sink, carefully (!) carry your cookpot over to the sink and pour the contents into the colander. The water goes, the pasta stays.

Now you're going to want some sauce. Ideally you should start this a few minutes before you estimate the pasta will be done. Grab your frying pan, put it on another burner and add some of the jarred sauce of your choice. (Hint: most Americans use too much sauce on their pasta; you don't really need much, especially for fresh pasta.) Heat it over medium heat until it's hot. Once the pasta is well drained (shake the colander a bit to get any hidden water out of the pasta), put it into a bowl, add some of the hot sauce and toss to coat. It's ready to eat.

DON'T RINSE YOUR PASTA. The sauce will slide right off the pasta if it's been rinsed.

Once you've got the basics down, you can add various other goodies to fancify your pasta -- cook meat, fish, or vegetables with the sauce, grate a little hard cheese over the finished pasta, etc. You can also branch out into filled and baked pasta, like manicotti or lasagne. And I may teach you how to make a few homemade sauces as well. But for now, you've got a simple, cheap and tasty dinner.

Salads

Most salads don't count as "cooking" since they're uncooked, but you should know how to put several together anyway. They taste good and add all sorts of nifty vitamins to your meal.

A general rule about salad: if you're using lettuce or other fresh vegetables, try to make only as much salad as you'll eat in one sitting. A dressed salad, even if it's covered and put in the fridge, starts to wilt quickly.

Green salad: Get a head of lettuce (it can be iceberg, red leaf, green leaf, Romaine, butter, or anything else that looks tasty and is on sale this week) and wash it under cold running tap water. (Yes, I know you can buy bagged salad at the store, but whole lettuce is fresher and usually costs less, and you shouldn't be scared to handle food the way it comes out of the ground.) Shake as much water out as possible, then pull off a few leaves and dry them with a clean kitchen towel. Break the leaves into bite-sized pieces, putting them into a serving bowl. If the lettuce you've chosen has large white ribs through the middle of the leaves, such as Romaine, remove these ribs and discard them; they tend to be bitter. This plus a little dressing constitutes the most basic salad on the planet, but most people like to add in a little something else -- say, cherry or cut-up tomatoes, sliced cucumbers, thinly minced green onions or chives, and some croutons added at the last minute so they don't get soggy.
There are lots of variations on green salad. Try fiddling with this basic formula: lettuce + fresh fruit (or raw vegetable) + dried fruit + crunchy addition (nuts, croutons, bacon bits) + cheese + fresh herb (optional). We like pear salad: start with a bed of lettuce, then add a pear or Asian pear cut into small chunks, a handful of sweetened dried cranberries, some walnut or pecan pieces, and a little bit of cheese (chunks of feta, chèvre or gorgonzola) with a vinaigrette dressing. Nom. And any green salad can become a dinner salad if you add some protein (slices of cold cooked chicken, chopped ham, salami, etc.). Just don't add the dressing until you're ready to eat it.
Cucumber-tomato salad: If you have a big cucumber and a good fresh tomato, you have the fixings for a salad. Wash the cucumber. You can peel it or not, depending on how well you like cucumber skin. Slice crosswise into very thin slices. Now grab a nice ripe beefsteak tomato, wash it well, and cut it into similar slices. Arrange in a circle in a serving bowl, alternating a slice of cucumber and a slice of tomato. Sprinkle with salt and pepper (or Montreal steak seasoning), drizzle olive oil and a little vinegar over the top, and add a bit of feta cheese. Easy, delicious, and it keeps better than a green salad.
Pasta salad: Got some leftover pasta with no sauce on it? Good! Get out your serving bowl and fling in some pasta. Chop up a little protein (it's usually ham around here, but it can be any cold meat or even a meat substitute) and add it to the pasta. Wash a green onion, cut off the root end and slice it into very fine slices, then add it in. (If you don't have a green onion, you can dice up about a quarter of a regular onion, rinse it in a colander under cold running water, and add it to the salad instead.) If you like celery, wash a stalk and cut it into fine slices, then add it in. If you're like me and think celery is of the devil, get a green pepper, pull off the stalk, cut the pepper in half, remove all the seeds and rinse well under cold running water, then cut into small chunks and throw it in. You can also throw in a handful of washed cherry tomatoes or some drained canned olives if you like them. Then get a dollop of mayonnaise (no, not Miracle Whip; that stuff is the work of Satan) and add a bit of spicy brown mustard, mix it up and stir it into the salad until everything's thoroughly mixed. Unlike green salads, pasta salad should sit in the fridge a few hours to let all the flavors marry. Eat with gusto (and a fork).

(Want to be able to make some other basic recipes? This is the first of a series. Send in your requests and I'll cover them in later articles.  Part 2 is here and Part 3 is here.)

How to clean your bedroom

Dirty socks. Pizza boxes. Empty aluminum cans. Junk mail. Cereal bowls with the remains of mysterious starchy gunk welded to the bottom. And that's just the crap covering the top of the mattress. Face it, kid, your room is a sty. Nobody wants to live like this. You're gonna fix that right now.

This tutorial assumes you are just a slob, not a hoarder. If you're saving 238 used Dixie cups because you might need them some day, you need help way beyond what this post can offer. Counseling, and possibly some high-pressure hoses, may be in order.

You will need:

1. An empty box.
2. Enough time to tackle the mess (this will vary depending on how long it's been since you last cleaned and how sty-like your room has become).
3. A clothes hamper.
4. A small garbage can.
5. A dust cloth (a basic rag is fine).
6. A broom and dustpan.
7. A vacuum cleaner (optional).
8. Multipurpose surface cleaner (brands include Mr. Clean, 409, Method, etc.) and water to dilute, and/or pre-mixed spray cleaner.
9. A step stool or sturdy chair (optional).
10. A bucket (yes, you has a bucket).
11. Window cleaner and paper towels (optional).

Drag your empty box into the room. Find every object in your room that's supposed to be somewhere else in the house or apartment, and put it in the box. Now put the box to one side, where you won't trip over it; you'll deal with its contents later.

Pick up everything else that's supposed to be in your room, and put it away where it belongs. Yes, that means the random stuff you've been stashing under the bed, doofus. Hang clean clothes in the closet, or fold them and put them in the dresser drawer. Put all dirty clothes in the hamper. Strip the sheets off the bed and put those in the hamper too. (If you have been sleeping on a bed with no sheets because you can't be bothered to make your bed, I'MA COME OVER THERE AND SLUG YOU.) Grab a small garbage can and toss out any junk you've been accidentally saving for posterity. If something is lying on the floor or piled up on your dresser because you don't have a designated spot for it, it's high time you came up with one. Otherwise it goes in the garbage can. When you're done you may have to go out and pick up some storage containers for your stuff, BUT NOT NOW. Right now you are cleaning your room and NOTHING SHALL DISSUADE YOU!

Once all the random crap has been picked up, it's time to start cleaning in earnest. You can clean your room most efficiently from top to bottom. First, look up. You probably have long, dusty cobwebs hanging from your walls and ceiling. Even if you can't see them, drape your dust cloth over the bristles of the broom and sweep it around the ceiling perimeter. You can also dust any overhead light fixtures, but be gentle. I don't want to see the headline "Clueless Noob Brained By Falling Ceiling Fan" on Google News any time soon.

Pull the dust cloth off the broom and dust every horizontal surface in the room -- windowsills, bookshelves, dresser top, bedside tables. You don't need dusting spray to do this, although it helps. If you can wet down the dust cloth a bit, then wring it out until it's just barely damp, it will pick up a lot of dust without leaving surfaces sloppy wet. Depending on how much dust, cobwebs and dead bugs you're picking up (gleah), you may have to rinse and wring multiple times.

If you have a window (and let's hope you do), grab the window cleaner and paper towels. Spray down the window, give it about 30 seconds for the cleaner to do its work, then wipe off with paper towels. Don't use multipurpose cleaner on windows unless the cleaner specifies that it's safe for glass (you can permanently fog up your windows if you guess wrong). Put the used paper towels in the garbage.

Inspect your walls. Do they have scuff marks, stains, or traceries of any mysterious gunk? Yech. Pull out the multipurpose cleaner and, if necessary, mix up a batch in the bucket, diluting it with the recommended amount of hot water. Or just use a pre-mixed spray cleaner. Use your dust cloth and multipurpose cleaner to wipe down the walls. If you're a stunted little dwarf like me or have high ceilings, you might need a step stool or chair to reach the highest part of the wall.

Make the bed with clean sheets and pillowcases. Check the cleanliness of your blankets while you're at it. Blankets don't need to be cleaned as often as sheets, AS LONG AS YOU ACTUALLY USE THE SHEETS, you slobtastic wonder, you. If the blankets need cleaning, put them into your hamper.

You're into the home stretch. Take the step stool, garbage can, clothes hamper and box fulla stuff and remove them from the bedroom.

Now look down at your floor. (Didn't know you had one, didja? Surprise!) In North America, you'll probably be looking at one of three options: 1) a bare floor of some kind, 2) a bare floor covered by an area rug, or 3) wall-to-wall carpet.

For 1): use the broom and dustpan to sweep the whole floor. Yes, under the bed too, doofus. Sweep small sections at a time, load the dustpan, then empty it into the garbage can. Mix up another batch of multipurpose cleaner if the first batch is getting nasty, then use the cleaner and dust cloth to wash the floor. Alas, yes, on hands and knees this first time. Squeeze out the dust cloth until it's nearly dry, and the clean floor will dry much faster. (For future reference, stick mops are your friends.) Start at the wall furthest from the door, and work your way across the room (yes, under the bed too, doofus) until you wash right out the exit. If you're a complete wimp, you can slip track shoes or a foam pad under your knees to help cushion your tender patellas as you work.

For 2): if the area rug is small, take it outside and beat it with the broom. Think about an annoying teacher, abrasive celebrity or exasperating politician and vent your frustrations creatively. Bonus points for an aerobic workout! Then proceed to wash the bedroom floor as for 1). Once the floor is completely dry, return the rug to its proper place. If the rug is big, vacuum it, then wash the rest of the floor around it.

For 3): pull out the vacuum and thoroughly vacuum the carpet. Yes, under the bed too, doofus. The carpet may have marks or stains of unknown origin. You can try to spot-treat the carpet, rent a Rug Doctor and clean it, or hire professionals to take care of it (I recommend the last option for best results). Put the vacuum away.

Put away the step stool. Empty the garbage can. Tip the dirty multipurpose cleaner into the sink or tub to drain, and rinse out the bucket with clean water, then put it away. Empty the box fulla stuff by putting away the items in their proper places outside your room. (DO NOT CHEAT BY DUMPING IT ALL IN THE HALL CLOSET... the Fuse Box Dwarf is watching you, pal! Dreeb! Dreeb!) Wash and dry your bedsheets (and, if necessary, blankets; once they're clean, finish making the bed with them). Put away any remaining cleaning paraphernalia. Oh yeah, your room is CLEAN, baby.

Now, do you have to go through this rigamarole EVERY SINGLE TIME you clean your room? Thankfully, no. This is the thorough clean, once-a-week job, and unless you're a heavy smoker or something you don't need to wipe down the walls every week. This first time will probably be the worst. The daily-clean version of this job involves picking stuff up and making your bed, which is very doable. So do it.

WARNING: side effects of a really clean room include the realization that there's suddenly So. Much. Room. in there, possibly inspiring you to climb up on the bed and belt out "Oklahoma!" at the top of your lungs. Be wary.

How to do the dishes

Few household skills are more basic than doing the dishes. And few household skills are more consistently avoided. Some quasi-adults have survived for years on nothing but pizza and take-out Chinese food, not because they can't cook, but because they dread doing the dishes afterward. Come on, guys, really? You don't have to pack on 50 lbs. and owe your soul to the pizza delivery guy -- just commit to cleaning the dishes and set yourself free!

Here's the two big secrets about dishes: a) they aren't that difficult to clean if you get to them right away, and b) you can make the hot water and soap do most of the heavy lifting for you.

What's the big deal with hot water? It kills germs better than cold water does, and it also works with soap to remove grease and other oily residue. You don't want to find yourself eating the same meal twice, if you know what I mean. Plus if you wash and rinse with really hot water, the dishes will partially dry themselves. Anything that makes the task easier is a plus in my book.

You will need:

1. some dirty dishes.
2. a source of clean water, preferably tap water, as hot as your hands can tolerate.
3. a sink with two compartments (aka a double sink) and a plug. If you don't have a double sink, get a dishpan that fits in the sink.
4. liquid dishwashing soap (common brands include Joy, Dawn, Ivory, Palmolive, etc. Do not use automatic dishwasher detergent such as Cascade).
5. scrubbing tool (see below).
6. a dish drainer.
7. a dishtowel or two.
8. household gloves (optional if you have Super Mom-Hands or are a glutton for punishment).
9. a willing partner or a hapless slave (optional, but helpful).

If you have dirty pots and pans from cooking the meal, put hot water into them as soon as you can and leave them to soak.

Right after the meal, package up and put away any leftover food if you intend to eat it later. Then take the other dishes (plates, bowls, flatware, glasses, serving dishes) to the garbage or compost bin and, one by one, scrape off any remaining bits of food. Put the dirty dishes next to the sink in this order: flatware, glasses, plates (stacked), bowls (stacked), serving dishes, pots and pans.

Set up the dish drainer. If you don't have a drain board to set it on, you can spread a dishtowel out underneath it to help catch the drips from drying dishes.

If you're wearing a long-sleeved shirt, roll up the sleeves. Wimps, put on your household gloves now.

Plug one side of the sink and fill it about a third full with the hottest water you can stand (or, if you're using a dishpan, fill that instead). Add a good squirt or two of dishwashing soap. You should see bubbles forming on the surface of the water. It's far more efficient to fill the sink with soapy water than to wash dishes directly under the stream of the faucet.

Get out your scrubbing tool. I like to use a scrubbing sponge with one rough side and one smooth side, but others prefer dish brushes or dishcloths. Use whatever floats your boat, as long as it gets the dishes clean. Dip your scrubbing tool in the hot soapy water and prepare for action.

Ready? 3... 2... 1... GO!

Wash your flatware first, while the water is piping hot. Get it right into the hot water and wash all surfaces with the scrubbing tool until all food residues are gone. As you finish washing each piece, put it into the other side of the sink (or outside the dishpan). Once you have a good pile of knives, forks and spoons, rinse the whole pile directly under hot running water, making sure to get rid of any lingering soap, and deposit them in the dish drainer. Repeat until all your flatware is clean.

Next up: glasses and cups. Clean, rinse and drain them the same way you cleaned the flatware. For glasses with narrow mouths, I recommend cleaning the inside with a dish brush. (I've tried cramming my hand into a narrow glass to try to wash the inside with a sponge. Don't do this unless you have a thing for a hand full of broken glass. And if you do, I don't want to hear about it.)

Put the plates into the hot soapy water to soak. Now check your dish drainer; it might be getting full, depending on your drainer's capacity and how long it's been since you last did the dishes. This is the point at which you should drag your willing partner (or hapless slave) into the project to dry the dishes and put them away. If you don't have a partner/slave, you're stuck doing this job yourself. Use a clean, dry dishtowel on any cups or flatware that haven't dried completely, and put them away. (NO, I won't tell you where to put them away! Figure out your own kitchen, for Pete's sake.)

On to the plates. Since you already put them in the water to soak, any stubborn food residue should have softened and be easy to remove. (See? I'm all about making the task easy.) Scrub, rinse, drain. Same with bowls and serving dishes.

Pots and pans are usually the worst part of the job -- unless you remembered to put hot water into them earlier. Then most cooked-on food should just slide out, easy peasy. Give them some special attention and maybe a little extra blast of hot water, since your dishwater may be cooling down at this point. Rinse and drain.

Dry the dishes in the dish drainer and put them away, or get your slave to do it. Shake off any water from the dish drainer and drain board (if you have one), wipe it off and put it away. If you used a dishtowel under the drainer, find it a place to dry. Rinse your scrubbing tool thoroughly and find it a place to sit where it can dry out (scrubbers left wet, especially sponges, pick up bacteria after a while and start to smell -- ick). Finally, empty the sink and, if you want to give things a little flourish, dry it all off with the dishtowel. Put the damp dishtowel in the laundry. And if you used gloves, take them off and let them dry in the sink.

Now revel in the joy of clean dishes. Spontaneous samba dancing is optional.